


Alter Ego: The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki

by ParasiteForRabbits



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gender Dysphoria, High School, Protectiveness, Roommates, Slow Burn, Swearing, Trans Character, Trans Female Fujisaki Chihiro, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-12-18 10:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18247919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParasiteForRabbits/pseuds/ParasiteForRabbits
Summary: Dear Alter Ego,Tomorrow, I guess I'll finally be able to call myself The Ultimate Programmer... in training. In truth, I still have trouble believing I ever got into Hope's Peak Academy in the first place. But something tells me these years will pass me by quicker than I'd like them to...That's why I have you! A silly little journal project that future me can use to remember every day I spent at Hope's Peak.For now, I still have too many questions to really add anything more to you: will I ever become as strong as I want to be? Will I ever be able to consider myself an ultimate, when I still feel I'm lying to myself?And how in the world am I going to handle sharing a dorm with a biker gang leader?





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fic, so this might feel like, well, a very first fic. But I'm having a ton of fun writing it so far! I'm a big fan of Danganronpa, and really like the interpretation of Chihiro as a trans girl rather than as a crossdresser. Seeing a MondoxChihiro story in this optic was something I really enjoyed thinking about, so I decided to actually be the change I wanted to see in the world lol. 
> 
> Mostly, this is me finding ways to practice my writing when I get frustrated with my original creations. 
> 
> The trans and romance aspects of the story will eventually be the focus points, but the introduction chapters will very much serve as an introduction. 
> 
> \- With love, ParasiteForRabbits

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 1

Hope’s Peak Academy. 

It’s like my brain doesn’t want to accept it yet. I mean, I’ve had six whole months to prepare for this, six whole months for the reality of it to sink in, but… Somehow, all of it is hitting me in this one moment. Guess it’s always been my burden to get all my ideas right when I really should be sleeping.

I think it’s the title of ultimate that’s hard for me to swallow. Throughout all the assignments I’ve taken on, I’ve met so many talented people my age, so many people that I thought were obviously better than me at what I do. But… somehow, I was the one accepted into Hope’s Peak as the ultimate. I think it’s that word! Ultimate… could it really be true? Is there… even such a thing as an ultimate programmer? I feel like I still have so much stuff left to learn before I can even consider myself an expert, much less an ultimate! Though I guess that IS the point of this whole situation. To get me to achieve the peak of my abilities.

I really hope I can manage to do it. I know dad believes in me, but in moments like this, that knowledge almost turns into pressure. I can’t disappoint him… I have to make him proud! 

See? All of this worrying already made me forget to properly introduce this journal! I suppose I could just go back and erase that first part. I mean, that’s the whole advantage of writing out journals on my laptop instead of using paper. But I know if I put too much pressure on myself to make this perfect, I’ll go overboard. Explain this function, take notes, make sure the code has no errors… that’s when I have to be serious. This… is a journal just for me! So it has to have that real feeling.

Maybe that’s the kind of stuff I could teach to an A.I.! How to talk naturally, without going back or erasing anything…

Anyways… If a future me is reading this, then the point of this journal is for me to write out all my experiences at Hope’s Peak so I never forget any of them! I’ll try not leave out any big details!

… Unless they’re too embarrassing. In which case, I’ll let my future self forget them for good!

For now, I’m actually enjoying my last evening at home before the big entrance ceremony planned for tomorrow. I guess I should be excited, and I am, but… I’ll really miss my room. And I’ll miss dad… Right now, he promises he won’t cry when he drops me off tomorrow, but I know him… I know he’ll worry about me and I know he’ll worry that I’M worrying about him too much…

I’ll miss the view I have from my window. I can see the stars so clearly from here. I wonder if it’ll be harder to see them once I’m further into the city. Light pollution and all… 

I’ll miss hearing the sounds of my dad making dinner when I’m coding. And I’ll miss being able to run down the stairs and start explaining my code to him until I figure out my mistake on my own. 

I’ll miss having the living room all to myself. I’m sure this Mondo guy is really nice! And I sincerely hope we can be friends! Buuut… I’ve never had to share a living space with anyone else before, especially not with a complete stranger! I just hope we can have individual rooms. I don’t need the stress of him… figuring stuff out. It’s already a bit of an issue that I got partnered with a guy, considering that the school isn’t really supposed to make boys and girls room together. I think it’s because dad explained my… situation to them, so I’m probably listed as male on official documents.

For now, that last issue is the first thing on my mind, but I won’t talk about it. If I do, I’ll get all worried and I won’t get a wink of sleep!

… Not that this journaling is helping my case at all…

So… I guess I should call it a night, shouldn’t I? No use in keeping myself awake when I have such a big day tomorrow.

I SHOULD find a name for this little journal though. Something to make it more personalized.

I think I’ll call it Alter Ego! Like… a different version of me for future me to read about!

Alright then, good night Alter Ego! I’ll tell you all about my day tomorrow when I get into bed! Wish me luck, ok?

Chihiro, logging off.


	2. Day 2

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 2

Dear Alter Ego,

I am currently writing to you from my dorm (room number 245, right in the middle of the hall, I have to remember! If ever I entered the wrong room...) and I have the pleasure of announcing that the dorm has separate rooms! Mondo also has his own, and we have a shared living room-thing. The space is much prettier and roomier than I anticipated! I’ve heard that last year students get their own, totally individual rooms, so I’m excited to see exactly what those look like! 

Anyways, everything here is almost overwhelmingly well organized! There’s an amazing cook running the cafeteria, there are classrooms of every size, and spaces for recreation that would shame any other! It’s not just a school FOR ultimates, it’s like… the ULTIMATE school! I almost feel bad being here: how can I ever justify using all of these services? Who am I to accept all these luxuries? 

And you should have seen the entrance ceremony in the gym! There are only 16 students in my class, and the school still prepared a huge party to welcome us into the premises! 

Of course, this is the part where you’ll wonder what I thought of them all, but… to be honest, I kind of kept to myself the entire time. The fact that I was surrounded by ultimates wasn’t lost on me. You could feel it in everyone’s energy: even the more shy ones, like the ultimate writer (I think her name was Toko) seem to radiate some sort of… uniqueness! I mean, what are you supposed to do when Sayaka Maizono and Junko Enoshima just come up to you and say hi? They’re international superstars! There’s no way I could ever see them as equals as quickly as that! I’ve seen them on the cover of magazines and everything!

Though I guess I’m an ultimate too… But I’m nothing as flashy and impressive as all these amazing people! 

So, I didn’t really MEET anyone, but… in three years, I’ll surely get the chance to get acquainted with everyone, right? Maybe even make a few friends! That’s truly all I can hope for, and I really do. 

Now, of course, comes the issue of my roommate. Not that HE’s an issue! I wouldn’t dare to say something as rude as that!

It’s just that… He’s… almost… scary… I’m sure he’s not! I’m the one being judgmental for even thinking it!

I heard him introducing himself in the gym, so I knew he must have been my roommate. He was talking really loudly and I don’t think he uttered a single sentence that didn’t have at least two swears in it, so I’m ashamed to say I didn’t have the courage to come say hi. I was just a bit intimidated (How does he get his hair to look like that?)

I only got to talk to him briefly, right before heading in my room to unpack. The first thing he said was something like:  
‘’ Wait a fuckin’ minute, they paired me up with a girl?’’ (sorry for swearing in my journals Alter Ego! I hope it doesn’t offend you, but it IS what he said.)

I froze right there on the spot, and I must have turned beet red, because his face immediately crisped up. He apologized and told me he just assumed Chihiro was a guy’s name, but I had lost all nerve by that point. I stuttered my way through a short introduction, and barely managed to smile. He must have been totally creeped out… 

Anyways, he turned out to be as extroverted as he seemed and told me he was enrolled as the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader.

The. Ultimate. Biker. Gang. Leader.

So right now my brain is trying to process that information. I’m sure he would never do anything to harm me! In fact, I’m certain he’s very nice! But… I’m not used to hanging around guys like that. I always get reminded of how things were in elementary school…

So that’s where my paranoid fears turn into self-loathing again. 

Right as he was about to ask more about me, I got a call from dad, so I picked it up while Mondo left to unpack his stuff.

It felt so good hearing his voice, even if I’d seen him this morning. It hasn’t even been one day and I already miss him so much! All day, I just felt like calling him to tell him about everything I was seeing. 

I could tell he still had some tears in his eyes when he called me, but, unlike this morning, neither one of us actually cried. I was just happy to talk to him, and explaining everything made me feel a bit more confident about my day. He believes in me, so I want to believe in myself too, if only so I can make him even prouder. 

And… now I’m basically locked up in my room, too shy to come out and explore the campus. I’ve already been shown my classroom, and the headmaster took each of us aside to gives us directions to the labs we’d get to use for practice. Still, it could be fun to see what’s offered.

Except, of course, as always, I’m too weak to make that first move and even open my door. What if Mondo already thinks I’m super weird? What if I completely ruined any chance of a friendship just because I was rude and got intimidated by what he does? And even if by some miracle, I did get to talk to him… It’s really scary thinking about what he might think if ever he found out about me…

Guess there goes my resolution to let myself forget about embarrassing moments…

Anyways, I guess I should go to sleep for now. No use keeping myself awake, worrying about my classmates. Tomorrow’s lesson will require me to pull myself together and overcome some of my shyness, and getting enough sleep will only make that easier. 

So, good night for now, Alter Ego! I’m sure tomorrow will bring lots of stories for me to share. Let’s hope they’re all good…

Chihiro, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is a little more angsty, with a gender identity focus, so if that kind of discussion is hard for you to read or makes you uncomfortable, do be aware of it. It's really not that bad though, and I promise I'm aiming for a positive ending!


	3. Day 3

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 3

Dear Alter Ego,

Phew! And just like that, I’m done with my first day of class at Hope’s Peak! It’s already moving so fast I’m worried that I’ll have trouble keeping track. Everything is just… so unique. Not just the facilities: everyone here feels unforgettable. Even the people that I see getting in their classes from afar get burned into my memory. It’s all just so… amazing!

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from this class. I mean, all of us have completely different skills, what could we possibly have to learn together? Not that I’m complaining! I’m excited at the prospect of getting to spend time with all of them. I’m just curious as to what future classes will hold.

When I came in to the room, some students were already in, even though it was pretty early. I’m ashamed to say I got up a bit before my alarm sounded because I felt too shy to talk to Mondo, who was still asleep by that point. My usual spot in any class (the back of the classroom, close to a window) was already taken by a girl I hadn’t really taken note of yesterday. Her hair is this beautiful, pinkish shade, but she has a really impressive aura of seriousness around her! I didn’t think it would be wise of me to bother her, as she looked like she wanted to be left alone (I could relate to that).

I had expected Kiyotaka to be here, though, as he had been vocal on the importance of being early to our first class. He can be a bit loud, but I can’t pretend it didn’t feel good to hear his warm welcome as I entered the room! I’ll try to stay on his good side, because I feel we could really get along!... At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

Eventually, the classroom filled up, and I was surprised to see no one had actually ditched class today! Hope’s Peak has that sort of reputation: some of the students graduate by being their own teachers and never showing up to class, either to practice or to goof off. But, for today, everyone was there. 

It seems a lot of my classmates have already made quick connections. Sayaka and Makoto are something like childhood friends, if I understand correctly, but some others already feel like they ARE old friends when they met each other only yesterday. Aoi (who told us to call her Hina) and Sakura seem to have bonded over their shared love of sports, and when Mondo came in, he seemed to be having an active conversation with Leon. Those two do seem like the kind who both like to take things easy… not that I’m calling them lazy!! 

For today, our task was to introduce ourselves to each other, so I guess I don’t have to tell you how nervous that made me. The teacher wanted us to list off what we were enrolled for as well as some of our interests. I was frozen on my chair! What could I possibly say? 

Luckily, I wasn’t the first person to be called up (in front of the class??? That’s the kind of stuff I have nightmares about!) because Kiyotaka volunteered to go first. His energetic introduction seemed to break the ice nicely, as Sayaka soon followed. They were so confident in their approach, sharing their dreams and speaking of their talents freely. I was terrified of how I’d come off!

But, eventually, it became my turn. I was shaking so hard you’d think I was about to shatter! I just walked to the front of the class and tried to look above everyone’s heads, to avoid eye contact, but at my height, that’s wasn’t much help. I muttered something, and the teacher had to tell me to speak a little louder, which mortified me even further!

I just said: ‘’My name’s Chihiro Fujisaki and I’m here because I like programming’’. It took the teacher to ask me about my interests for me to continue speaking, and I decided to talk about my interest in A.I. To my surprise, someone (I think it was Yasuhiro) actually raised their hand to ask what I meant by A.I., and by that point, it became a bit easier to speak. It was actually fun to explain it in a simple way (don’t worry I made sure not to break any NDAs!), and I felt like I hadn’t made a COMPLETE fool of myself when I sat back down. 

But, then it came to be Sakura’s turn.

She walked up slowly, with such calm confidence in each step, and I was pretty curious to hear what she was going to say. But in the back, I could hear Leon whispered to Mondo, saying: ‘’Is that dude crossdressing?’’. I initially assumed they meant me, and felt the blood rushing to my face with fear. However, it soon became clear that they were talking about Sakura. 

It’s true, she’s pretty imposing, and from afar, even I wouldn’t know what to make of her appearance. I’m sure she could hear the whispers (they weren’t being that quiet), but still, she didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

And that’s where my embarrassment turned into shame.

She didn’t even care what they were thinking, and here I was, terrified at the implication that they could possibly have a clue as to what I’d been hiding. I was ready to bury a hole in the ground to cower in, and she was standing there, unfazed by all of it. 

It occurred to me simply: it’s because she’s strong. It’s because… they’re all stronger than me.

I barely had the strength to introduce myself to 15 other people. I barely had the strength to walk in front of the class and say the most simple of things. A single whisper by someone I’ve never talked to was enough to let me crumble into an anxious pile of dust. I was being weak again… 

When introductions were over, the teacher started going over the class plan, but by then, I have to admit I wasn’t really listening.

What would everyone say if ever they found out about me? How would I even explain it to them? I guess I could take the approach I took with dad… Would that make things better? It was already so hard trying to navigate around the issue with dad. It’s already difficult finding new excuses not to ‘’have confidence and be honest with everyone’’ when I can’t even be honest with him…

A part of me wants to believe what I told dad: that the only reason I ever started wearing feminine clothes was to deal with bullies, and that eventually I’ll just… stop and go back to masculine clothes, once my confidence grows back.

But I still don’t believe it. I know it’s not the truth. When I think of having to go back, I can’t help but feel afraid: why do I feel so much more comfortable this way?

I want to become strong, I really really do! And a part of me can’t stop bugging me that as long as I stay feminine, I’ll never be able to be strong… But what if I could one day be like Sakura?

No, not me. I’m not strong enough to build up that kind of confidence. I’m not even strong enough to tell my dad how I really feel about my gender… No, someday, I’ll have to go back. That’s the only way I can be strong… right?

For now, I’m just feeling weak, so I headed back to my room to write as soon as class was over. We have the entire afternoon off, and here I am, talking to you instead of bonding with my classmates like I promised dad I would…

Not that you’re bad company! I just want to make a few friends among my classmates… That’s not too much to ask of myself, is it?

Chihiro, logging off.


	4. Day 19

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 19

Dear Alter Ego,

Today, I actually had a conversation with Mondo.

Now, I know, I know, I’ve been telling you that he and I have been saying hi to each other and that I’m no longer locking myself up in my room anymore, but I mean an actual conversation! Like, two people speaking sentences to each other, that stuff!

I was in our shared living room, writing some code for that game I’ve been working on (you remember Chiaki, the upperclassman I talked to you about? Well, she asked me to create a simple RPG creation engine for her to help with practice! It will count as credits for my grades as well.). Anyways, I had initially started in my bedroom, but I saw a spider, and I got scared of it. I didn’t want to kill it, though! So for now, living room time.

Eventually, Mondo came in. He looked a bit dishevelled, but I think it’s because he had just come back from a ride (his hair still stood as intended. What’s his secret?). I said hi and he responded in the same way, but I could tell something was on his mind. Not wanting to pry, I said nothing and went back to my codes. 

He kind of just started wandering around the room, looking at different things. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, to be honest, but I was just happy to get to spend some time with him, even if it was silent.

However, after a bit, he let out a sort of ‘’hey...’’. It took me by surprise, because I’d never heard him speaking in such a quiet tone before. Even when he gets a bit embarrassed in class, he usually starts speaking loudly, but this time, he seemed really reluctant to talk. I turned to him and asked if everything was ok, suddenly growing enough confidence to initiate a conversation, it seems. I surprised even myself when I said it!

Silently, he just joined me on the couch, letting himself fall down on the cushion so hard that I held on to my laptop, to make sure it wouldn’t slide off my knees. Without looking at me, he said something like:  
‘’Hey… You’re a girl, right?’’

I don’t have to tell you how terrified I suddenly became. A million thoughts clashed around in my head: what’s going to happen? How did he figure it out? Was he going to tell anyone? I sort of mumbled a ‘’what do you mean?’’ as I tried to keep my body from shaking and the tears from coming out of my eyes. He, however, didn’t seem to notice my nervousness and continued.  
‘’You’re a girl, so… you understand what girls feel and shit, right? Like… you know what other girls like?’’

I honestly didn’t know how to react, but, sensing that I had an opportunity to save myself from blurting out secrets, I just nodded when he turned to me and said something like:  
‘’I think so, yeah’’

He simply let out an ‘’ok’’ and turned his head away, his foot tapping away on the floor, as if he had something more to say. Too curious to continue being nervous, I asked him if he wanted some advice. That seemed to kind of put him on the spot, so I apologized, but he quickly started explaining himself:  
‘’Oh, no, not for me! I… I know how to talk to chicks, that’s not a problem at all! I… I’m great at that shit, no problem… It’s for Leon. He keeps asking me for advice about this one chick he likes and I don’t fuckin’ know what to tell him.’’

I felt relieved at that point: my own secret was safe. Actually, I was also kind of… glad. The fact that Mondo decided to come to me for this kind of advice was almost validating! I knew right then and there that he was talking about Sayaka: everyone can see Leon has a massive crush on her. I kept myself from mentioning that, however, because I didn’t want to insult the flirting talents of Mondo’s friend in front of him. I think I laughed a little and said something along the lines of:  
‘’I don’t know if I can really help with this kind of stuff. No one’s ever really been interested in me before so I wouldn’t know what works or not!’’

I kind of regretted saying that because I thought Mondo might just lose interest in talking to me by that point. However, he just turned to me and said:  
‘’Really? No one?’’

Alter Ego, I could FEEL the blood rushing to my cheeks! I’m sure he noticed, because he laughed and patted me on the back, which only worsened my embarrassment. He apologized for bringing it up, and I could tell he was going to leave at that point. Something compelled me to stop him, though I’m a bit embarrassed to even think about what that something may be. I just blurted it out:  
‘’ What if he wrote her a song? He wants to go into music, right? Maybe it could be a good way to express how he feels.’’

In truth, I knew that Leon was only interested in singing music, not writing it, but it was the only thing that had come to mind. I think Mondo had thought of it before as well, as he confirmed to me.  
‘’I guess that’s not crazy, yeah. But the kid fucking hates writing poems. Says he just doesn’t have the motivation for it. Still, I’m sure she’d like that kinda shit…’’

At this point, I was just happy to be having a full-on conversation, so I didn’t want to let it end on that unhelpful note. Also, I felt that, if I could actually help Mondo out, there was a chance he might eventually want to be friends with me, even with how different he and I are to each other. I decided to go with my gut:  
‘’Well, why doesn’t he get someone to write it for him, then? As long as it comes from the heart, I’m sure Sayaka would love it. Love songs are all pretty similar, so I’m sure he could find someone who could put his feelings into words.’’

I hadn’t meant to mention Sayaka by name, but luckily, Mondo didn’t seem to pick up on it. He just slid his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.  
‘’I’m pretty sure he asked that Toko chick if she wanted to write songs for him last week, and she started saying something about how he just wanted to laugh at her or some shit. Since then, I’m pretty sure he’s scared shitless whenever someone even mentions her. That girl’s weird as fuck… Don’t really know who else he could ask.’’  
‘’Oh, I could do it!’’

Of course I couldn’t. I don’t think the idea of it even had the time to pass through my brain before I blurted it out, and by then I felt like an idiot: I write code, not song lyrics (which sounds like a Panic! At The Disco song title, though)! There’s no way I could ever write a love song, and there’s no reason I should have ever made it sound like I had that talent. It was too late though, as I saw Mondo’s eyes lighting up.   
‘’You’d really do that?’’ 

He just seemed too happy, so by that point, it was way too late for me to go back. Either I accepted, or I made a complete fool of myself in front of Mondo and lost this tiny sprout of friendship before it got the chance to bloom.   
‘’Sure! I can give it a try, at least!’’

He gave me a beaming smile and patted my back once more as I was saying it, making my ‘’at least’’ sound more like ‘’a-at l-l-least!’’. Afterwards, he just got up and said:  
‘’Thanks, kid, you’re a real one! I’ll make sure to make it up to you, ‘k? Anything you want! For now I gotta go tell Leon about this, he’s gonna be fuckin’ psyched!’’

And like a gust of wind, he left the room, leaving me about twenty different shades of red. 

And now I’m writing to you, trying to process what just happened, and trying to think of how I’ll ever come up with a love song from Leon to Sayaka. I really should learn to keep my ideas to myself sometimes…

Still, Mondo seemed so happy… And maybe Leon will want to become my friend too if I do this for him!

‘’Anything you want’’. The only thing I could ever really ask, I think, is to be friends. I wonder if he’d think I’m a loser if I ever asked for that… I don’t know why, but I really don’t want Mondo to see me that way.

Anyways, for now… I guess it’s time for me to find my artistic side… How am I ever going to do this? 

Chihiro (more like ChihiRED), logging off.


	5. Day 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to focus on a Leon/Mondo/Chihiro friendship instead of a more classic Mondo/Taka/Chihiro friendship, mostly based on the picture found in DR1 which features those first three together. Also, I felt it made sense that Leon and Mondo would be friends in a more normal situation. I apologize if this story is a bit too much of a slow burn for now, but I want to make sure I establish a lot of stuff before I can get to the pure romance parts. 
> 
> Of course, don't be shy if you want to comment at all, but if it's about stuff related to my decision to portray Chihiro as trans, please at least be respectful of the fact that this is just my way of interpreting things. I'm just having fun with characters I like! 
> 
> \- With love, ParasiteForRabbits

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 20

Dear Alter Ego,

I’m coming to you a little early today because, to be honest, I feel the need to express these feelings somewhere, and it’s easier to write to you, considering you already know most of my secrets.

I ended up not sleeping much yesterday, because I couldn’t stop trying to come up with song lyrics. It was really cocky of me to tell Mondo that most love songs are similar, because that made it sound really simple! I kept going over clichés over my head and I still couldn’t come up with a single good line. 

You’re like the changing of the leaves // You’re like the waves in the ocean // You’re like a bird of paradise // You’re like a breath of fresh air.

All clichés. None of it is any good! Sayaka has probably listened to a million love songs, and she’s probably written even more. There was simply no way I could come up with something that would sweep her off her feet in just one night, when I’ve never even written a single poem before!

Besides, what do I know about love anyways? I’ve never even BEEN in love before! Not even a single little crush!

…I think.

At least, not that I remember. If I could at least have had someone to write this song about, it could be easier, cause then all I’d have to do would be to write out my feelings and change the name to Sayaka. 

Oh, Sayaka // Take me to the highway of love // Wear my heart like a leather glove

Baseball glove? That’s what Leon does, maybe that could work better. But I don’t even know where that reference to highways comes from. I doubt Sayaka knows how to drive: she probably has a personal driver to travel on the tour bus with her band members! What a life she must live.

She definitely deserved a better love song than that. 

Anyways, I ended up having to give up for the night, but it was on my mind all day today.

Of course, it didn’t help that Mondo and Leon ended up inviting me over to sit with them during the lunch period. Not that I’m being ungrateful about it! It was actually pretty nice, not having to sit alone to eat. Of course, dad would probably remind me that I never HAD to eat alone, and that I always had the choice to just go ask to sit with others. But he and I both know I don’t have the courage to do anything like that. 

We ended up finding a spot with Sakura and Hina. It makes sense that those four would spend a lot of time together, with their affinity for fitness (I choose to say fitness here because I know Leon hates sports). So, as luck would have it, I ended up sitting with some of THE strongest people in our class! I didn’t know whether to feel honored or really out of my element.

They were all very nice to me though! I could tell Leon was very happy that I offered my help, which both encouraged and scared me. I really want to do a good job! And I’d really like to become friends with all of them.

I must have been pretty transparent in my worries, as Hina immediately asked me if I was doing ok. I tried to sound reassuring, and told her I just had trouble sleeping last night, but I could see she didn’t buy it. Still, she was very considerate and I think she knew not to bring it up around the boys any more than she already had.

I didn’t really talk much, but I still ended up having a blast hanging out with them! They all have a ton of energy, and it’s refreshing to see them laughing and having fun together. We were lucky Sakura was there to stop Mondo and Leon from causing too much trouble, though, as I could feel Taka’s stares from across the room. 

Before long, it was time for us to get back to our respective classes to hone our specific skills, but, before I could leave the cafeteria, Hina and Sakura took me aside and asked if everything was alright. Something about their worried tones gave me the courage to be honest, and I explained my song writing situation to them.

I’m not sure either of them agreed with the idea of Leon’s love song being ghostwritten, but they were supportive nonetheless. I think they could feel that I was mostly doing it out of friendship, or a desire to have one at least. They shared quick glances at each other and both told me that they would find a way to help me out. Since I had promised my private instructor to come in to class early, I didn’t have the chance to ask any more before leaving, but I felt reassured knowing that I had the both of them on my side.

I would really like to be as strong as they are someday. 

Class went pretty well, and the instructor was impressed with how much I’d worked on my RPG creator project since last class. As was I, if I’m being honest, considering how much of my evening was spent trying to write poetry. He says that he thinks it’s a good enough product for Chiaki to use it already, but I told him that there are still some things I’d like to work on. Dad’s always said it: the only times where I’m ever assertive are when I’m being a perfectionist about my projects! 

By the time class ended, I was so wrapped up in ideas for my RPG-maker that the love song was completely gone from my mind. That’s why I didn’t react with too much surprise when I saw Sayaka waiting right outside of the programming lab.

She gave me one of her usual smiles (Makoto says there’s something almost hypnotic about the way she smiles) and asked if she could speak to me. Pessimistic thoughts entered my brain quite rapidly: I quickly assumed she wanted to ask me something gender-related. That’s just how my brain works sometimes.

To my surprise, all she said was this:  
‘’So, a little bird told me you were planning on writing a song for me?’’

As always, to say I got embarrassed would have been an understatement. This must have been what Sakura and Hina meant… 

I tried to cover up the truth, careful not to put Leon himself in any kind of hot water with her, but I ended up fumbling around with my words so much that I was pretty much incomprehensible. To my relief, she laughed and told me that there was no reason for me to worry. Sakura and Hina had indeed told her everything, and she just wanted to check in with me to make sure I wasn’t in over my head:  
‘’Listen, I know Leon put you up to this, so there’s no reason to feel embarrassed!’’

Still trying to stick up for my new friend, I made sure that she knew I had offered my services myself, and that it was a plan I had cooked up with Mondo. Sayaka gave me a very knowing smile and said something that left me a bit perplexed:  
‘’I had a feeling it might have been something like that! Isn’t that sweet…’’

Now that I was at least reassured about not being in trouble, she and I started walking back to our dorms. The entire time, Sayaka seemed completely at ease, which showed me she probably wasn’t a stranger to these kinds of situation. I guess a part of me wishes I had that kind of problem: too many guys wanting to go out with me…

I really shouldn’t be thinking about that!

Anyways, she told me, as I had suspected, that she already knew of Leon’s feelings for her. His flirting WAS very obvious. However, she must have understood that this meant a lot to me, which is why she made me an offer:  
‘’See, the reason Sakura and Hina told me about this is because they felt I could be of some help! After all, I adore writing love songs!’’

By this point, I was a bit more confused than relieved, but somehow, it was like she had managed to read my mind before I was able to formulae my thoughts.  
‘’Don’t worry, it won’t be too weird for me to write a song to myself! After all the time I’ve spent with Leon buzzing around me, I think I know how he feels well enough to put it into words!’’

And just like that, I ended up in a dorm shared by Sayaka Maizono and Celestia Ludenberg, writing a love song for one of the biggest pop stars in the country… WITH that popstar. A little far from what I envisioned for my Hope’s Peak experience, if I’m being honest. But still so much fun!

We ended up spending a lot of time brainstorming (which means Sayaka came up with lyrics and I nodded along). After about two hours, intercut by some tea-drinking and a few stories from Sayaka, I finally had a song to give to Mondo… 

So he could give it to Leon, I mean. 

Before I left, however, I asked a question that had been busy in my mind:  
‘’What do you think you’ll tell Leon when he sings it to you? I mean, it’s not like you’ll be surprised…’’

She simply giggled and answer back with:  
‘’I guess I’ll see. He IS kinda cute, isn’t he? But then again, so is... Yeah, I’ll see... to be fair, it's only been a couple of weeks! Guys are way too quick when it comes to this stuff sometimes. For now, it’s nothing for you to worry about! And if either of those guys cause you any trouble, you make sure to come to me, ok?’’

And this is where I am now. Sitting in a dark living room, looking over a love song, waiting for Mondo to come back from his evening ride. I really hope he’s satisfied with it! But then again, like Sayaka said, I shouldn’t worry too much about it. 

‘’Highway Of Love’’. Kind of a catchy title, don’t you think? Though I wonder why Sayaka insisted we keep it. Well, she’s the popstar, so I’m sure she knows these things better than me.

See? This whole business has me forgetting that, all in all, I got to hang out with five of my classmates in the span of two days! A pretty big victory, if I do say so myself, and one that I’m sure dad will be proud of.

I’ll tell you how it all went tomorrow, I guess! For now, I have a game I need to work on.

Chihiro, Ultimate Songwriting Assistant, logging off


	6. Day 31

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 31

Dear Alter Ego,

‘’Already? Shit, you work fast, kid! It’s not that I underestimated ya, but… man, I at least thought you’d need a bit more time to draft it up! Listen, I don’t know much about poetry and shit, but I can tell Leon’s gonna love this!’’

That’s how he put it when I gave him the lyrics a couple of days ago. 11 days ago if I’m following my calendar. I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it so much. He just looked so happy, and I felt so… useful. I mean, I’m not strong, and I don’t know anything about bikes… but I still managed to help him out on something that he believes in.

And Leon too of course!

This… feels nice. Having friends. Well, I don’t want to assume how they feel, but… they’re definitely MY friends, even if they don’t consider me THEIR friend yet. At this point, I’d be too embarrassed to ask, and much too worried about messing up what I’ve built.

When I told dad about it, he got so happy! I could tell it was worrying him. After all, I’ve never been very good at making friends. Always too focused on my projects and on, well, being hidden from the world.

Of course, he was also really happy to hear that I was hanging out with guys. He even said that it was a step towards ‘’being honest’’ with everyone. I know he means well, and I know he does it all out of love…

But why does hearing that feel wrong? I like the idea of being truthful to my classmates, and I love the idea of finally feeling strong in a place where I belong… But… Why does being strong HAVE to mean leaving this behind? I’ve gotten so used to living in a place where no one knows my secret. I’m growing greedy, because… it feels nice. 

The other day, I saw a dress in a shop window and I got excited. I really wanted to wear it. I wanted to see what other would think of me in something cute, if they would find it as pretty as I did. But then I thought: what would dad say? He’d see it as me sinking back down into my weakness… Because that’s how I presented it to him. 

But then again, what would the other think if ever I started wearing boy’s clothes? Would they treat me differently? What would happen to my friendships with Sayaka, Sakura and Hina? Whenever I’m with them, I feel like I truly belong with the girls in the class, but if I stopped BEING a girl, I might lose that.

And how would the guys see me? Would Mondo start acting around me the way he acts around Leon and Makoto? I suppose it would lead me towards a path of strength, where he and I could be equals…

But I kinda like how we are now. Whenever I’m hanging out with him, he always gets really protective and he always makes sure his friends aren’t bothering me. A part of it hurts because it means he sees me as weaker than the others, but a part of it feels… really nice. Or at least, it makes me feel safe. I don’t really know how to describe it. Or, maybe I do… I just don’t have the strength to think about it for too long… 

How would it change the way he sees me? He might just end up feeling betrayed. He might even be glad, but then start treating me like ‘’one of the boys’’.

Damnit. I don’t wanna be one of the boys. I just wanna feel strong for once. Just once.

I still haven’t told him what it is I’d like as compensation for the whole songwriting saga. Luckily, his focus has mostly been on Leon, who STILL hasn’t mustered up the courage to even practice his song. Sayaka told me she finds it amusing, at least.

Maybe I could ask to go on a bike ride. Dad would be so surprised if I told him I did something like that! A helmet on my head, strands of hair blowing in the wind, the sound of a roaring motor, my arms wrapped around Mondo’s back…

Point is, it would be really cool! But for that, I’d have to actually ask, and that’s… a bit too much to ask of my heart at this point. Or my brain I guess. Whichever one governs how I’m feeling right now.

I still have to call dad. I’ve been putting it off. I miss him so much, and I can’t to visit back home. But the thing is, he always wants to know what I’m up to, and I know that if I told him about my plans to go to the party that Junko planned for the girls of the class, he’d start worrying. But I feel bad lying to him any more than I already am. 

I wish I could wear that dress to the party. I wish I could tell dad the truth. I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do.

For now, all I can really do is code away the questions by working on your interface. What am I talking about? Oh, don’t worry, Alter Ego, you’ll find out soon enough! Just be patient. 

I wonder what Mondo’s doing right now. I know he said he’d be going out with some of his friends, but sometimes I worry about what that means. As sweet as he may be, I shouldn’t forget he’s the leader of a gang. 

I hope nothing bad happens to him.

Gah, look at me, Alter Ego! I’m acting like some sort of worried housewife from a movie

…

Best I don’t think about that for too long.

Goodnight for now, Alter Ego. I’ll work on your new home until I get too sleepy to think about things that worry me.

Ch1h1r0, l0gg1ng 0ff.


	7. Day 35

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 35

Dear Alter Ego,

I regret not buying that dress. It would have looked perfect for the party! Oh well, not much I can do about it now, is there?

Still, I had an amazing time! Junko had kept most of the details secret until today, in true Junko fashion, but it ended up being much simpler than anticipated. From what Sayaka told me, Junko had tried to get us to use the show area for our get-together, but got denied. She’s turning out to be quite different from how I pictured her, not that I want to talk behind her back!

Anyways, we eventually grouped in Sayaka and Celeste’s dorm, probably because it was the cleanest (I’ve heard Celeste is very strict about that). I was actually surprised that she showed up, as she seems to prefer alone time, something I can’t judge her for. The only one missing was Toko, though I don’t know if it’s because she declined or if Junko simply didn’t invite her. I wish I could get to know more about her. It’s too bad so many people are writing her off as too weird, because I think she just has a few complexes, something I DEFINITELY can’t judge her for.

I ended up being the last one to come in. I explained that it was only because I’d been too busy with a project to see the time passing by, but, in truth, I was just really nervous. Because I lied to dad about the party, and the guilt is still eating me up… 

Sayaka seemed really happy to see me, which warmed my heart, and it didn’t take long for Hina to hand me a cup of tea, beaming that usual smile of hers. Before long, I was deep in conversation with Sakura, Hina and Mukuro about training regiments. As you may guess, I didn’t have anything to add to the discussion, but hearing those three talking about what motivates them actually helped ease my worries. I was having fun, and for that moment, that was all that mattered. 

Seeing that I wasn’t too busy (When Hina starts talking about proteins, she loses focus over anything else. It’s sweet, really!), Sayaka eventually pulled me aside and asked me if I was having fun. With a smile, I confirmed that I was, and that seemed to reassure her. I don’t really know why she worries about me so much, but I think she might wonder if the guys from my usual friend group treat me well. She’s something of a psychic, so whenever anything goes wrong, she’s the first to know! 

Somehow, this turned into a discussion about A.I, in which I could definitely have a word to put in! I think Celeste was the first to mention it, because she was looking into programs that could create worthy opponents for her to challenge at poker and chess. Now that I think about it, Sayaka may have been the one to mention it. Maybe an attempt to get me to come out of my shell? 

I’m really happy that I’m her friend.

Before long, I was explaining some of my future plans (don’t worry, all NDAs were taken into consideration) for A.I. creation to Celeste, Sayaka and Junko, who slipped into the conversation without me noticing. I kind of got carried away with the subject, and I could tell I was losing some of them at the end, but I don’t think I was too annoying. At least, I hope I wasn’t. 

Sadly, this was a short-lived social victory, as Junko quickly turned the discussion from technology to Sayaka’s romantic adventures. By this point, everyone in class knew about the soap opera that was the SayaKotoLeon romantic triangle. It was pretty clear that Makoto had feelings for his popstar friend, and Leon was still obviously smitten (still no song, though! I worked hard on it!)

I wasn’t sure if it was ok to ask Sayaka those questions, as they were quite personal, but she didn’t seem to mind too much. At least, that was from what I could tell, as I’m sure she’d trained herself to react well to invasive questions from journalists. 

She simply told us that she wasn’t too sure. Both seem really nice, it’s true, but, with her busy schedule, she wants to make absolutely sure that she’ll go out with someone who is right for her. I can’t imagine what her life must be like… 

With a smile, she added that things would be easier if she actually got more time to spend with the both of them. 

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next though: Junko just turned to me and said:  
‘’That’s true, not all of us can be lucky enough to have a guy all to ourselves like Chichi here does with Mondo!’’

She said it with a wink, so I’m pretty sure that she meant it to tease me. Nonetheless, I froze on the spot, which made Junko giggle. I like her and I want to be her friend, but I think she forgets people’s boundaries sometimes. Sayaka immediately tensed and Celeste… Actually, I’m pretty sure Celeste had left by that point. I don’t think love-talk interests her much. 

I ended up having to reassure Sayaka that everything was ok, because she was getting really mad at Junko. The latter didn’t seem too flustered, but I mostly wanted to avoid creating a scene. Junko had just meant to tease, it’s not like she meant to put me on the spot or anything.

Still… Does everyone see it that way? I guess I do spend a lot of time with him, and we do share a living space, but… it’s not like we’re a couple of anything! We don’t, like, hold hands or kiss or stuff like that… We’re just really close friends… I mean, he IS really attractive, I can’t pretend I don’t see it, but girls can be friends with attractive guys without it meaning anything!... Although, if I DID go out with him, I’m sure he’d be a really attentive boyfriend. You know, Alter Ego, he really has a very sweet heart underneath all of that bravado. I can tell he’d be super gentle and that he has a romantic side. And if things WERE like that between us, I’m sure we’d do more than just hang out: I’d join him on his evening bike rides, we’d go to the movies together, we’d help each other study, that kind of stuff. Couple stuff. Of course, before any couple stuff could happen, there would need to be someone who’d ask out the other, and there would need to be boundaries set and a first kiss and all that kinda stuff.

Anyways, that doesn’t matter at this point… Besides, if things WERE that way, that would mean I’d have to tell him about my situation… That’s why I can’t allow myself to think about him that way…

Apart from that one incident, the party went pretty well. We ended up playing some video games on a console Junko borrowed from Chiaki (I wonder if she has anything else I could help her with?) and then watching Celeste and Kyoko play a game of chess. The way Hina and Junko were screaming, you’d have thought they were watching a football game!

Eventually, I got a bit tired and I exited the party (but only after Kyoko did first, you know how I hate being the first one to leave or to hand in an exam!). I felt really happy, going back to the dorm, but I have to admit that what Junko had said was still on my mind.

I guess that’s why I acted so surprised when I came in to see Mondo sitting on the couch. He’s usually out at this hour, but sometimes, even he enjoys a bit of a night in. I guess his motorcycle might need a rest too from time to time…

Still, I could tell something was up as soon as I came in. He just had this… sad look about him, like he was mulling something over. It didn’t help that the first thing he said when I came in was:  
‘’Oh!... Didn’t you say you were going to some kinda party tonight? I didn’t think you’d be here…’’

I didn’t really know what to say, but before my instinct to hide away in my room kicked in, another instinct, one of worry, took over. I joined him on the couch and asked him if everything was alright. Quickly, I noticed him tucking some sort of paper in his pocket, but I understand that it would have been rude of me to inquire as to what it was. Sometimes, there are secrets that are too big to let out…

He just turned to me and gave me a half-smile, which didn’t really convince me.  
‘’Hey, it’s ok, kid, don’t worry about it. I’m just tired as shit, that’s all’’

Alter Ego, you know me. You know I’d never normally have the strength to press further on these kinds of issues, but this time, something just compelled me to speak up. There was just something so… defeated in the way he was staring down at his feet, and for the very first time, I couldn’t see that glimmer of victorious anger in his eyes, the one I’ve come accustomed to see. I think I said something along the lines of:  
‘’Oh, that’s ok. But if ever anything is wrong, you know you can talk to me about it. I’d be happy to help.’’

In the moment, it probably came out much worse than that, but Mondo seemed to get what I was saying, and I think it took him by surprise a bit. I’m not usually this straightforward in my approach, and, in that moment, we both understood that his mood wasn’t just due to fatigue. Something else was at play. Mondo just stared up at the ceiling and said something pretty quietly:  
‘’I always get so fucking weak when his birthday comes… Shit, man, I should be able to pull myself together by now…’’

That word. Weak. It resonated inside of me, and I replied (though I understand that he was talking to himself more than he was talking to me) with something I always tried to convince myself of when it came to my own strengths:  
‘’I don’t think you’re weak at all, Mondo.’’

In truth, I had no idea what he was talking about, but I knew that I believed in what I was saying. Mondo is the very definition of strength to me. The idea that anything could stand in his way just didn’t make sense: he has so much confidence, and he’s never been one to let himself be tossed around or treated badly. He always fights back against things that he doesn’t agree with. That’s the kind of strength I’ve always wished I had, so I knew I had to stand up for it.

He turned to me slowly and gave me another half-smile, but this time, a bit more convincingly. He placed his hand on my head and jostled my hair around, like you’d see an older brother doing to his sibling in a TV show, and said:  
‘You’re too sweet sometimes, kid, it’ll get you in trouble someday.’’

I didn’t really know how to react. On one hand, I understood that, by sweetness, he meant softness. That he was referring to what I consider to be my greatest weakness, and unknowingly acknowledging it. But on the other hand… Another part of me understood that he meant it as a compliment. It was that part of me that left me blushing, even through my self-loathing thoughts. Before I could say anything else, Mondo continued:  
‘’You don’t need to worry about me, Chihiro. Tomorrow, I’ll be back to being my regular, asshole self. It’s one night a year, that’s all the weakness I’ve got the fuckin’ time to show.’’

No matter his intentions, none of that reassured me. I didn’t have time for thoughts to formulate in my mind before I let them out: I needed Mondo to feel happy again. It was so important to me, and it’s hard to explain why.  
‘’Well, I’m going to worry about you anyways! I don’t like seeing my friends feeling sad.’’

Friend. I said it without even thinking! I immediately tensed up and cursed myself out in my head, but Mondo interrupted these thoughts as a single tear rolled from his eye to his cheek. Speechless and filled with negative emotions, I didn’t know what to say or do. He wiped the tear from his skin and turned his face away from me, probably embarrassed to let me see him cry. The last thing he said to me was:  
‘’Then… Just stay here with me, ok? Let’s just… watch something on TV or some shit… And I’ll try not to be sad anymore so you don’t have to worry, ok?’’

I nodded, knowing better than to try and get him to talk through the tears welling up in his eyes. I opened the TV and we watched some sort of action movie in total silent. Still, it felt… meaningful. I could tell that he was crying, so out of respect, I didn’t turn to look at him. If what he was saying was true, then I was helping by just being there, right? That’s what I held on to as I tried to focus on the movie, without much success. 

Eventually, after who knows how long, I fell asleep. I know this because I’ve just woken up in my bed. It’s 3 AM, so I know I should be asleep, but I needed to put this crazy day into words.

He must have carried me back here…

I truly hope he’s ok. I went to check, but I think he left on a bike ride or something like that. Or maybe he went to Leon to have a man-to-man chat. As long as he’s ok…

I need to become strong, Alter Ego. I need to be strong. I can’t live like this anymore. I need to become strong like Mondo is.

What am I gonna do?

For now, blissful sleep, Alter Ego. I’ll try to update you tomorrow, but if I’m too tired, then I might just need to sleep in early. 

Chihiro, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, the slip of paper Chihiro mentions is a picture of Daiya, whose birthday it would have been. Also, if you think the story is moving a bit too slowly, don't worry, I have some bigger events planned for the next chapters!
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	8. Day 40

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 40

 

Dear Alter Ego,

Work, work, work, work and more work. I knew what to expect when I got recruited into the Academy, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is starting to get a bit overwhelming. I had a talk with Chiaki, and she said it was the same for her during her first semester, but that things have gotten easier. I hope the same applies to me too.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m having a lot of fun! Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been pretty much locked up in the Academy since the beginning of the week. I realize now what our homeroom classes are for: keeping us sane and social. At least I can say it’s working: I always look forward to the time I spend with my classmates. The more I see them, the easier it becomes to speak up and come out of my shell. I don’t even sit at the back of the class anymore: Mondo and Leon insist I come to the middle with them, because that’s where ‘’you can talk without the teacher noticing’’. I still don’t talk while the teacher is giving her lecture, because that would be disrespectful, but hearing a few jokes from time to time does make it easier to get through class. 

Mondo has been especially nice lately (not that I’m implying he wasn’t nice before!). I think it may have to do with the incident after the party. We still haven’t talked about it, but I feel that things are different between us. There’s a different kind of energy to our conversations, and, while the way he interacts with me around his other friends remains the same, he seems to act a bit differently when it’s just the both of us.

It’s probably just my imagination. Wishful thinking, really. But it’s still nice to think about.

Last night, he came into my room while I was coding to bring me something to eat. I hadn’t even noticed how hungry I was, but somehow, he’d noticed that I hadn’t eaten yet. It was really sweet of him.

Alter Ego… I really like him a lot. It’s a bit scary sometimes. 

The reason I’m working so hard today is because I don’t want to have any work left to do for the weekend, because this weekend, it’s coming-back-home-time! I get to finally go see dad and sleep in my room again! I’m so excited for it. I can’t wait to hug him and tell him all about my projects. These last few weeks have made me realize how much I appreciated having someone with a good understanding of what I do around me. I have so many anecdotes to tell him too!

I just hope we don’t end up talking about gender stuff. Lately, he’s kept slipping comments about it throughout our phone conversations. I know he’s just worried about me, and I know he’s only working off of what I’ve told him myself. I feel stupid for making up that whole lie in the first place. 

I have to be strong. I can’t be weak anymore. But what does any of that even mean?

I’ll have to talk to SOMEONE about it eventually. But doing that will be risky. I have to be prepared for the worst.

Still, ever since my conversation with Mondo, I feel like there’s an open door inside of my heart. It’s like… I can’t stand by idly anymore. I have this uncontrollable urge to take actions, to do things that would normally terrify me. And I still AM terrified. But I have to move things along.

Towards what direction? That’s a very good question. I honestly don’t know. 

I hope it’s a good one…

I wonder what Mondo thinks about me. I wonder what he thinks about the way I look.

Am I too short? Is the way I dress too prudish? Would he think I’d look better with longer hair?

Does he think I’m pretty? 

No, that doesn’t matter. Mondo’s not the kind of guy who’d ever fall for a girl like me. I mean, he’s a biker, I bet he’s had plenty of dates that he just hasn’t told me about. Dates with tall, pretty girls with curvaceous figures, girls with a wild side. Really, a biker wanting to go out with a shy, short programmer with an inferiority complex? Not happening.

And even if I WAS a tall, pretty biker girl, I doubt he’d keep interest in me after learning about my secret.

It’s not that I think he’s close-minded or shallow. It’s that… he probably wants someone as strong as he is. Someone who knows how to ride a bike, for starters.

See? This is what happens when I let myself think about this kind of thing. I just end up reaffirming the things I’m worried about. But it’s too late now, isn’t it? I’ve got feelings for Mondo. Pretending that I don’t, especially to you, won’t help anyone, and, based on what Junko said the other night, it seems that some others may be on to me. I’ve become just like Leon: obviously yearning, but unwilling to make a move. But the difference is that Leon might actually have a chance with Sayaka. I just have to accept my role as the friend and roommate. It’s the only way I’ll stop myself from getting sad over it. 

For now, mission failed, so I’ll just go back to work before it becomes too noticeable.

Chihiro, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter is too much of a bummer, don't worry, the next one is a much happier one!
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	9. Day 42

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 42

Dear Alter Ego,

This… is going to be quite an update, but I’ll try to get through it gradually. Doing so might just help my brain process the entire thing.

Let’s start at the beginning, then, shall we?

Dad told me he would come pick me up at eight in the morning, so I made sure to wake up early. I had anticipated a sleepless night, but finding a nice relaxing video of rain sounds was enough to make me pass out early. I HAVE been a bit emotional lately, and emotions can be tiring. As a result, I actually felt pretty energetic. Mondo, who, as I mentioned yesterday, had spent the entire day working on school stuff with Kazuichi, was still sound asleep, as I could tell from the loud snoring emanating from his room. 

I have to say, it’s nice seeing him so motivated for school. A lot of people assumed he wouldn’t show up to homeroom after the first day, but he’s been pretty diligent so far. I think he worries about what he’s going to do after we’ve graduated, which I can understand, especially since, from what he’s told me, he’s never been very good at following rules. I hope he knows how proud we all are of him. 

Dad seemed really happy to see me when he came by. It felt so good to see his face again. We shared a big hug and started our drive home. It didn’t take long for dad to ask me for all kinds of details! He wanted to know everything: how I was enjoying my classes, what my latest projects were, who I had become friends with, etc. 

It was hard to figure out what to talk about first: when I think about it, it hasn’t been that long since I even started, and yet it feels like I’ve been in the Academy for ages! There’s something really peculiar about the atmosphere in there, something created by the exchange of a million talented minds collaborating, all mixed in with the usual… craziness of the teenage experience. By the time we reached the halfway point of our car journey, I felt as if I’d re-entered another universe. 

I mostly focused on telling dad about my projects (no one gets as enthusiastic about them as he does, and it really helps me feel motivated). Crazy to think how, in just over a month, I already managed to finish one whole game project as well as start a brand new one that, if my private instructor is right about, might take me the entirety of my three years in here to finish. I really wish I could tell you more, but for everything to work, I have to make sure I don’t mention anything. Sorry, Alter Ego! I promise the surprise will be worth the wait.

Hearing dad telling me how proud he is of me lit up a lightbulb in my heart. Throughout all of this, my main goal has always been to make him proud, and to show him how hard I’m willing to work on stuff that I’m passionate about. I really do wonder how long it will take me to finally feel like the ULTIMATE programmer… I still have trouble believing that I’ll ever feel that way, if I’m being honest.

Dad didn’t have much new to share about himself. Same old, same old, he told me. He says he worries a lot, which doesn’t surprise me, but I think seeing me will help him feel a bit less anxious. The last thing I would want would be to become a source of stress! He deserves much better than that.

Before long, we arrived home, and I went to my room to unpack the few things I brought with me: my laptop, some comfortable sleepwear, a pile of laundry and my small collection of pictures (Makoto took some photos of our class for a project the other day, and I want to make sure I keep my copies somewhere safe). It felt nice seeing my room again: as comfortable as the mattresses are at the Academy, nothing will ever beat the familiar view I get from my bedroom window.

By the time I got everything unpacked, my stomach was growling ferociously: dad had asked me not to eat breakfast so we could make pancakes together, an activity that we only do on special occasions. I practically ran down the stairs the second I smelled the unmistakable fragrance of cooking batter!

I forgot how good it feels to be here, because I feel completely unrestricted. At school, my nervous nature stops me from doing a lot of things, and, since I’m constantly surrounded by other people, I end up carefully overthinking each of my actions. At home, I don’t have that kind of pressure.

As we started cooking (I’ve never been very good at it, so I mostly watch dad as he does it expertly), dad started asking me some questions about my friends, as I predicted he eventually would. I know just how important my social well-being is to him.

I mostly talked about them as a group: if I told dad a quarter of the things I’ve seen Mondo and Leon doing, I’d just be giving him more reasons to worry. I told them that I was getting along with most of the people in my class, which I’d like to think is true, and that I’m feeling a real kinship with the two guys I was talking to him about. 

Hearing that seemed to make him really happy, which helped brighten my mood even further. I can’t pretend I didn’t feel a twinge of nervousness though: I knew how he felt about the fact that I was hanging out with boys. A part of me kinda wished his reaction had been one of slight worry, one a father has when he sees his little girl hanging around guys. But dad didn’t see me as a girl. He saw me as a confused boy, finally making male friends. 

It wasn’t his fault.

He quickly got around to asking me more questions about them. I sort of skirted around Mondo’s occupation by saying that he was enrolled as the Ultimate Motorcyclist. Not as exciting as the truth is, but much more reassuring for poor dad. I tried to give short answers though, as a part of me was worried that dad would perceive my true feelings for my roommate. He’s always had a very good instinct when it comes to the things that cause me stress. A family that worries together stays together, as we always say. 

I eventually started talking about Sayaka, and after I mentioned just how much I enjoyed spending time with her, dad gave me a look I didn’t quite understand and said:  
‘’Well, well, look at my little boy mingling with the stars so easily!... So, tell me, is she pretty?’’

I understood my mistake right there: I hadn’t even considered how he’d perceive my praises! It’s all my fault for being so secretive… Luckily, I was able to dispel his hopeful but misguided thoughts by bringing up Leon:  
‘’Well, my friend Leon certainly thinks so! He’s been interested in her since day one.’’

All in all, breakfast was a pleasant experience and I ate until I was more than full. Dad really is a great cook!

Most of our day was just as fun, but calmer. We watched some of our favourite movies, played a few games of Mario Kart (I won fair and square!) and folded my clothes after they had dried. 

The main reason this entry will mean a lot to me happened just after supper. I was in my room, browsing the internet, when dad came in my room with a box. It didn’t look too ornate, but with the way dad gently placed it on my bed, I could tell it was meant as a present. I immediately got excited and asked what it was. Dad gave me a wink and said:  
‘’Just a little something I got you to congratulate you’’

I asked if it was okay for me to open it (after thanking him about twenty times), and as soon as dad gave me the ok, I tore into it and pulled out the present. To my surprise, it was a similar-looking uniform to the one I usual wear around school, except this one had pants instead of a skirt, and looked designed to give the appearance of a broader figure. Dad patted me on the back and said:  
‘’I asked your old school to see if they still had some uniforms your size. I figured you’d need a nice new outfit to wear for when you tell everyone the truth. I’m so proud of you, so… I couldn’t resist!’’

I couldn’t keep an ‘’Oh’’ from escaping my mouth. It truly was a beautiful outfit. Exactly my size too. Perfect for everyday wear. I turned to dad with a forced smile and thanked him a couple more times. I felt disgusted at myself for feeling this… disappointed. Dad had worked so hard to get me this, and he’d been so excited to give it to me… Here I was, feeling sad about an amazing present.

I musn’t have hidden it very well, as he saw right through me:  
‘’Do you not like it? There are other colours you know?’’

I quickly tried to dispel his doubts and replied with a ‘’no, no it’s perfect I promise!’’ Still, he could tell I wasn’t being truthful:  
‘’Come on, Chihiro, you don’t have to lie to your old man to make him feel happy. Now, this is a present for you, so if there’s anything wrong, I want you to tell me so I can make up for it!’’

I couldn’t help it at this point, the tears started pouring from my eyes. I wasn’t sure what was causing them: was it shame, fear, even happiness? I tried all I could to hide it, but it was no use. Dad gently placed a hand on my shoulder and said:  
‘’I’m sorry if I’m putting too much pressure on you. I should have waited for you to be more comfortable, I… I’m really sorry. Here, I can keep the uniform at home, and when you think you’re ready, then I can give it to you for real. Does that sound good?’’

The more words reached my brain, the more tears flooded out of my eyes. It was like a dam had broken inside of me, as cliché as that may sound. 

But, suddenly, right as I was about to agree to those terms, some familiar words flashed into my brain.

‘‘You’re too sweet sometimes, kid, it’ll get you in trouble someday.’’

And right then, I felt another dam breaking inside of me:  
‘’Well, what if I never feel ready?’’

This seemed to worry my dad quite a bit:  
‘’Now, now, Chihiro, don’t doubt yourself like that! I know you can find the inner strength to do it! I’ll be there to support you all the way! Besides… Don’t you think it’s time you started putting YOUR happiness first?’’

Bam. Another dam broken. Words were flooded my body and I couldn’t keep them in anymore.

‘’No! That’s not what I’m saying… what if… I don’t WANT to stop being a girl? What if I want to stay like this? I… I know I said I want to start being strong, and I know I said I want to change, but… What happens if I feel happier just staying like this? What if I AM a girl?’’ 

I stopped crying when I said those words. My whole body felt shocked. I couldn’t, and still can’t, believe I had said it. I kept my eyes staring at my feet as my dad still hold on to my shoulder, speechless. After what felt like a couple of minutes, he finally broke the silence we had created:  
‘’I could say I had a bit of a feeling you felt that way, but that wouldn’t be very convincing, would it? Listen, Chihiro… Come on, Chihiro, look at me for a second.’’

My eyes completely filled with water, I did as I was told.  
‘’ I didn’t do this because I wanted you to start dressing like a boy again. I did this because I want you to be happy. You know how much I worry about you… I mean, you’re my child, you’re what’s most precious in the world to me. All this time, I was under the impression that you were miserable living this way. But if you’re telling me that you’re happier as a girl… then I don’t want you to change one bit, ok?... I… Can’t pretend it won’t take me some time to get used to it, but… I mean, you’re my child, you always will be.’’

The last dam broke right there. I practically propelled myself into his arms and started bawling against his shoulder.

Alter Ego, I told him. I told my dad how I felt and everything… was ok. Loving even. And what made everything sink in was the next thing he said to me:  
‘’Now, I do want to make one thing clear: as long as you’re in this house, I don’t ever want you saying that you’re weak ever again, ok? What you did… now that takes a lot of strength, Chihiro… So I won’t allow you to pretend otherwise’’

I have the best dad in the world. I couldn’t tell you how long I stayed in his arms, as time seemed to stand still, but eventually, he let go of me to go get me some tissues to dry my eyes, and by the time he got back, I was sound asleep.

Yet another 3 AM writing session then. The uniform is off my bed, and I still feel a little bad about not taking it, but… I feel like I did the right thing still.

Maybe dad is right…

Maybe that WAS strength. I’ve never taken the time to think of it that way, but… what if it was really true? After all this time spent wondering how to get stronger, was that all it took to finally reach that point?

Complexes run deep. I won’t be rid of it that easily… but somehow, I feel like tonight was all about putting a dent in its strength.

I wonder if Mondo felt the same way I do when he opened up to me a little the other night. I hope he did. Because right now… I feel really happy.

Before I come back to school, I’m going to go buy that dress.

Goodnight for now, Alter Ego. Now you’re not the only one who knows my secret! I hope that comes as a bit of a relief.

Miss Chihiro Fujisaki, logging off.


	10. Day 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains quite a few swears, and a few minor references to blood and violence. It also includes some mentions of transphobia, so if any of those things make you uncomfortable, I thought it better to mention it beforehand.
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 43 (Part 1)

Dear Alter Ego,

Now, I know I’m coming to you very early today, but there’s no need to worry, as nothing exciting enough happened to me between 3 AM and this morning to really justify me making a new entry. 

However, a part of me just… feels like documenting the conversation I had with Mondo over text this morning. It’s probably a bit silly of me to actually transcribe all of it, especially with how little sleep I’ve actually gotten to catch up on, but this is an urge I can’t really resist. If I end up regretting how easily I’ve given in to my sleep-deprived impulses, then this entry will be but a mouse-click away from being forever erased from my memory and, most importantly, from yours.

I ended up spending a sleepless night trying to recover from last night’s events. I still feel elated and, well, freed from all of it, but I can’t pretend a bit of me isn’t also feeling just a little bit of shellshock. I hadn’t EXACTLY planned to come out to my dad over the weekend, especially not over a school uniform. After all of it, I kind of felt the need to isolate myself in my room, if only for the morning, so I could let the reality, as positive as it is, sink in. 

I think I got Mondo’s first text at around 8:03 AM, an unusual time for him to be awake on a Sunday morning. 

(Please ignore the nicknames I gave us in our chat, but, for the record, they were my idea. I just know future me will never live them down though…)

• PokeMondo: Yo kid! hows the weekend with ur dad going so far?  
• Chihuahua: Oh hey, Mondo! It’s going pretty well! Feels good to be back home for a bit. What are you doing up this early though?  
• PokeMondo: Fuckin Taka woke up the entire building with his morning routine shit and now I cant sleep  
• Chihuahua: Morning routine?  
• PokeMondo: This new shit hes been talking about. Wants us to wake up early to exercise in the gym or some shit. Wouldnt let anyone sleep  
• Chihuahua: Haha! Sounds like Taka to me. Don’t be too hard on him though, he’s doing this because he cares about us.  
• PokeMondo: easy for u to say you didnt get woken up by a screaming idiot this morning  
• Chihuahua: That’s fair.  
• PokeMondo: when are u coming back today?  
• Chihuahua: I guess that’ll depend on when my dad needs to drive me over. I don’t know his schedule for tomorrow so I’ll need to ask him. Why, is everything alright?  
• PokeMondo: na everythings ok. Dorm just feels kinda empty. Felt like hanging out with u.

If the house had been empty, I would have screamed at this point. 

• Chihuahua: Aww! Why don’t you hang out with Leon if you’re lonely today? I promise I’ll be back soon and we can catch up!  
• PokeMondo: yea I guess. Leons my bro and all but sometimes I kinda dont feel like doing dumb shit tho. Sometimes I just feel like talking and taking shit easy yknow?  
• Chihuahua: I could ask dad to drop me off early if you want! I wanted to go do some shopping so maybe we could do that?  
• PokeMondo: I dont wanna stop u from seeing ur old man tho. How bout I just come pick u up later and save him the trip? I felt like going for a ride anyway

My heart started beating even faster at the thought of going on a bike ride with Mondo, and I could feel just how red my cheeks were getting as I read his text. After a bit of consideration, I said:

• Chihuahua: I can ask my dad if that works for him, but I’d love that!  And don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t mind.  
• PokeMondo: Coolcool. Just text me ur address later if u can and Ill come pick u up. Where do u wanna go shopping?  
• Chihuahua: Well, there’s this dress I’ve had my eye on at Golden Stitches, at the mall. It’s right next to the food court. But we don’t have to go if you feel like going somewhere else!  
• PokeMondo: nah its cool, wherever u wanna go is fine. Might stop by a few places too if that’s ok.  
• Chihuahua: Of course! I might as well drop by some tech stores to see if they have some of the newer releases.  
• PokeMondo: Fine by me. Any reason ur getting new clothes? The girls having a party again?  
• Chihuahua: I guess you could say I have something to celebrate or something haha! But it’s not for any special occasion, it’s just that I keep passing by the store and the dress is displayed in the window, so I feel like getting it.  
• PokeMondo: U can tell me all about it when we get there then! I dont wanna steal anymore family time from u so just text me when u know, ok?  
• Chihuahua: Ok! See you later, Mondo!  
• PokeMondo: See u later kid

And just like that, my entire weekend changed around… again. I don’t know if my brain is able to process all of it, but for now, I’m feeling a little dazed.

Spending some time with Mondo at the mall. Just a friendly outing. A friendly date if you will. Now that it’s date! It’s just similar to a date, but for two friends. Me and Mondo. 

I should go downstairs and grab some breakfast. There’s no way I can handle this rush of emotions on an empty stomach…

I’ll give you a rundown of how the day went later, Alter Ego! 

Chihuahua, logging off (for now)

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 43 (Part 2)

Dear Alter Ego,

This has probably been the most overwhelming weekend of my life. I wish there was another way for me to describe it but there isn’t. I’ve never felt this kind of deluge, this insanely rapid succession of insane events in such a short period of time. I thought this weekend would be all about eating pancakes and sleeping. It hasn’t been that at all. I feel happy. I feel scared. I feel… everything all at once.

I guess I should do like last time and start from the beginning. This already feels like I’ve just woken up from a very odd dream, so it’s almost like I’m scared of forgetting what happened. There’s just too much for my brain to process at this point. 

I ended up asking my dad about Mondo’s idea, and he seemed very happy at the thought, although in a different way than he usually was. I could tell his mind was still going over what we’d talked about last night, and he wasn’t sure what to feel about my friendships anymore. Not wanting to worry him more than I already had this weekend, I didn’t press the issue and conveniently forgot to mention the fact that we’d be travelling on a motorcycle. A motorcycle owned by the leader of a biker gang. 

The energy between dad and I was a bit odd, as I could tell we both needed to time to get used to this new reality (which honestly isn’t that different from before, but FEELS really different). Still, I could feel a sort of… relief hanging in the air. It felt good for the both of us to be having breakfast together, the same as we always have in the past. I think it was what we both needed in that moment, to see that the little things might still feel the same as before, even under our new circumstances. Dad talked about the news, I asked him about his upcoming work week… and things were still simple. Mostly. 

He asked me a few things about Mondo again, and a part of me kind of figures that he must be asking himself some questions about my sexual orientation. I didn’t want him to worry about it, but after yesterday, I didn’t really have the strength to have another discussion about my identity. I will, eventually, just…. Not today. Today was a mental rest day (or at least that’s what I told myself at that time). 

The rest of the morning was mostly uneventful, as was the early afternoon. Dad and I watched some TV, I helped him with the dishes, but, all in all, we spent the day as we would have any other Sunday when I still lived here. It felt refreshing to get a taste of my usual routine: as exciting as life on campus may be, it’s easy to get lost in the craziness. Back at home, things are still deliciously boring and simple. It’s what I needed.

Eventually, 3 PM rolled around and I texted Mondo to let him know he could come pick me up at any time, as I had packed my bag and, by this point, dad had already started working on the duties that he’ll have to take care of at work tomorrow. I can’t tell if I should be worried about his workload or just glad that it’ll take his mind of his usual anxious thoughts. The constant struggle of living in a family of worrywarts…

I knew it would take Mondo a little bit of time to get to me, but, not having much else to do but wait for him, I sort of just… hung around the living room and scrolled through social media on my phone, just waiting to hear the growling of his engine. As I heard the almost-comforting sound of keyboard clicks coming from dad’s office, I tried to find things to do to ease the nervous pit settling in between my heart and my brain. 

I ended up fishing out a clunky bicycle helmet out of the garage, knowing very well that it probably wouldn’t do much to protect me in the event of an accident, and checked myself in the mirror about a thousand times. He’s seen me before. He knows what I look like. It’s not even as if I had makeup to check. 

Somehow, I couldn’t help myself but try to find any kind of flaw. I was stuck on that idea I’d let slither into my brain: a friendly date. I tried as I could to claw that term out of me, but it wouldn’t budge. I got to the scene of the crime too late and let myself get away with it…

I eventually got so caught up in my self-analysis that I didn’t even notice dad walking behind me until he placed his hand on my shoulder, jerking me back to reality a little more violently that either of us had expected. He simply smiled and told me that my friend was waiting outside for me. As he said it, I realized that I could hear Mondo’s running engine from outside, and immediately panicked, wondering how long he had been waiting for me.

I gave my dad a goodbye hug and promised him that I’d be safe as I strapped the helmet on. I could recognize a gradual blooming of worry in his eyes, but he still smiled and reminded me that he will always be there for me. 

Calmed down by his words, I left the house to find Mondo waiting for me on what he always refers to as his ‘’hog’’. I had seen it before, but couldn’t help but be a bit surprised by the large panel built into its back, on which the words ‘’Crazy Diamond’’ are proudly emblazoned. It hit me in that moment how much it meant for me to be riding with him: he may just be a roommate to me, to others, he’s a feared rival, a monument to danger. I could imagine that the single sight of those two words were probably enough to strike fear into the hearts of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

And here I was, an old bicycle helmet on my head, preparing to go to the mall with Mondo Owada, someone I considered a good friend.

Suddenly a bit overwhelmed by the realization, I sort of just smiled and waved to Mondo, who responded with a wide grin and said:  
‘’Hey, kid! You all ready to go?’’

I nodded in confirmation and Mondo revved up his engine.  
‘’Alright then, just hop in the back and tell me when you’re ready. You’ve never ridden before, right?’’

I responded with a no, to which he laughed and told me to hold on tight.

And, just like that, I hopped onto his bike and wrapped my arms around his back, fearing that he could somehow feel the heat of my blushing cheeks through his coat. I tried not to focus on how solid how body felt and gave him a thumbs up to indicate that I was ready. To tell the truth, I don’t think I ever could have been ready, but I didn’t want to stall for too long.

As the sound of the motorcycle’s roars engulfed my ears, we took off. Surprised by the feeling of wind whipping through my hair, I couldn’t help but release a quiet yelp, which I hope Mondo didn’t hear, as we kept going faster and faster. By the time we reached the highway, I swear I could barely see the city flying past me, seeing as I couldn’t exactly look over Mondo’s shoulders at my height. The blush-inducing embarrassment I felt for having my arms around his waist vanished rapidly: by that point, I was too scared of flying off of the motorcycle to let go of him. There was no way we weren’t going over the speed limit at this point, but I was a bit prepared for that eventuality: I knew that Mondo hadn’t gotten his ultimate status for his respect of traffic signals. I just hoped that no policeman would stop us. How would I ever explain to my dad what happened if I ended up in jail?

What ended up happening, however, was quite different. 

As we entered the series of roads leading up to the mall, we passed by another bike, of a different style than Mondo’s. I could feel my classmate’s reaction to this, and quickly started imagining how I was going to die in the middle of a violent turf war. Hearing Mondo’s laughter calmed my heart, as he signaled to the other driver to meet him up at a nearby gas station. 

If there’s a protocol to these kinds of things, Alter Ego, no one’s ever given it to me. I mean, what was I supposed to do at this point? I guess I should just thank my lucky stars that we ran into someone Mondo trusted.

I swear, it took a matter of seconds for us to get off the road and into the gas station parking lot. I’m honestly still unsure how I survived the entire thing. As the bike came to a stop, Mondo apologized to me for the detour, but told me that he hadn’t seen the other rider in a few years. I smiled and told him it was ok, but it’s not really as if I had a choice. Still, seeing Mondo so happy made the awkwardness worth it.

I stayed on the motorcycle while the two bikers shared a firm handshake (their bones must be strong!) and patted each other on the back. From what I gathered, the other guy was one of Mondo’s old friends who used to be a Crazy Diamond. There didn’t seem to be any bad blood between them, so I assume he parted from the gang in good terms.

As I said, there’s no protocol to these things, so I tried not to bring any attention to myself, but Mondo eventually told me to join in on the conversation. I wasn’t going to say no, but inside, I felt further from my element than I ever have. However, as always, I was comforted by my friend’s enthusiasm as he introduced me:  
‘’This chick here’s Chihiro Fujisaki, official IT specialist for the Crazy Diamonds!’’

I let out a shaky, quiet laugh in response to his joke (at least I think it was a joke…), but Mondo’s friend didn’t seem amused at all. The next thing he said pulled me out of the already thin sense of security I felt:  
‘’Wait, did you say Fujisaki?... The fuck are you doin’ wearin’ a skirt, man?’’

It all came back at once. His stern face, raspy voice and permanent stench of cigarette smoke. I knew him. I knew him well.  
‘’Man, I went to middle school with this dude. Guess you got yourself a taste for the ladyboys, Owada. Can’t say I understand, but hey, I don’t judge…’’

I couldn’t help the tears from welling up in my eyes… I didn’t want him to say another word, I didn’t want Mondo to find out. Not like this.

However, before I could let out a single word of protest, I felt a strong hand tugging the back of my jacket as Mondo placed me behind him. I can’t accurately describe the anger I heard in his voice, except by saying that it felt… murderous.  
‘’The fuck did you just say about her?’’

I watched helplessly as my old classmate starred at Mondo with an almost pitied expression on his face.  
‘’Hey, come on man, don’t be like that! I mean… you do know Chihiro Fujisaki’s a guy, right? Like, I know he’s short, but he’s just as much man as either one of us, dude… Check in between his legs if you wanna make…’’

Before he could finish his sentence, a loud smacking sound reverberated around the entire parking lot and the brute fell down on his back with a thud. Mondo had punched him square in the face. Like a tiger approaching its prey, he took a few steps towards the now-bleeding biker and looked at him in the eyes:  
‘’You said one more fucking word and I’m gonna make sure you don’t have anything in between yours, is that fucking clear? I don’t know how your mom fuckin raised ya, but you know me well enough to know I don’t let ANYONE talk to a woman like that around me. Now get the fuck out of my sight before I stop having mercy on ya. ’’

My old classmate didn’t need to be asked twice as he fumbled back to his bike and drove off, blood still leaking from his nose. 

I was speechless. I wasn’t even able to think at this point. All of this was just too much. I didn’t care that I was crying. There was no point in trying to stop my tears. After patting my shoulder, the only thing Mondo told me was:  
‘’Come on, kid, let’s go back home for now. Sorry you had to see that.’’

I followed suit, just like that. I sobbed silently against Mondo’s back for the entire drive home, and held on to him as tight as I could.

I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want him to get in trouble because of me. I didn’t want to lose my friend. I didn’t want anyone else to find out. I didn’t want him to find me disgusting. I didn’t want us to grow distant. I didn’t want him to be afraid to talk to me. I didn’t want to live in my room for the rest of my stay at Hope’s Peak. I didn’t want to lose Mondo, for fuck’s sake…

I don’t know how long it took for us to get back to Hope’s Peak, but by the time we arrived, my eyes were dry again, if still a little red. Mondo parked his bike in the garage and, still in total silence, we headed back to the dorm. I held my backpack against my chest and made sure not to meet anyone’s gaze.

However, the second Mondo closed the door behind us, he spoke up again:  
‘’Chihiro, I… fuck, listen… I’m so sorry that happened, I don’t know what to tell ya… I fucked up’’

Bam. The dams I had given time to be rebuilt broke loose again. I didn’t just cry: I bawled. Tears were streaming down my face, I was whimpering. I was a mess, basically.

That’s why I didn’t protest when Mondo wrapped his arms around me and started patting my back.  
‘’Hey, come on, it’s ok… I promise you’re safe with me, kid.’’

I could barely listen. I was just… so scared.

It had been so long since this kind of thing had happened to me. I wasn’t able to stand up for myself. I wasn’t able to be strong. The very second I felt threatened, my only instinct was to start crying. It was just as it had always been back in middle school. I was just another defenseless weakling, unable to fight back against my tormentors. No matter how much I think I’ve grown, I’m still stuck in this feeling of overwhelming weakness.

And now Mondo knew everything. I didn’t even get a chance to think it over, to find a gentle way for him to find out. He just… knew now. 

I don’t know how long I cried. I don’t really care. All I know is that, by the time I was able to calm myself down, we were both on the couch, and my face was still buried against Mondo. What kind of shame could I have left at this point? 

After a few more words of encouragement, Mondo asked the question that had probably been percolating on his mind ever since his friend had suggested it:  
‘’Listen, I know this probably isn’t the good time to ask this, but… like… is it true? I mean… what he said…’’

I had to swallow back some tears before I could respond.  
‘’ No… it’s not… Maybe it used to be true, but it’s not anymore. I’m a girl… It doesn’t matter if I wasn’t one in middle school, I’m one now!’’

My words came out with my force than anticipated, probably because they were the ones I wished I had thrown at my old classmate. Mondo seemed to be left a little speechless, and I couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. After a little bit, he turned to me and said:  
‘’I’m sorry we didn’t end up going to the mall…’’

It felt as if he just wanted to fill the silence with something. I answered with the one thing I had on my mind:  
‘’Mondo… are we still gonna be friends after this?’’

That reply seemed to come as a bigger surprise to him than what the bully had said:  
‘’What the fuck are you talking about, Chihiro? Of course we’re still friends! I…’’

He took a few moments before continuing his sentence:  
‘’Listen, kid… I still don’t really understand all of what happened back there… What I know is that you were there for me even when I was too fuckin stubborn to say anything about it… You… You’re the only friend I get to talk to like this. It’s gonna take a lot more than that to make me wanna stop hanging around you… Cause like… you’re a really special girl… and shit… and I don’t mean that in relation to the whole… Well, you get what I mean…’’

And somehow, I did. Well, I think I did. In truth, being told wonderful things by the guy you’re crushing on while being stuck in a self-loathing spiral is quite a confusing experience. 

I didn’t know whether to explain myself more to him, but I was afraid that pushing it would just confuse him further.

I don’t really know what we talked about next, if I’m being honest. We just shared empty words to hear the sound of someone else’s voice, really. I wanted to stay next to him, even if it meant having to let him see my weakness. Eventually, though, Mondo just got up and said he needed to go take a ride. Nothing more to it than that. 

I didn’t know how to react, so I just kind of… nodded and let him go. Before leaving the room, however, he turned to me and said:  
‘’If anyone ever tries to treat you like that again, you tell me, alright?... It’s not that I don’t think you can take care of yourself… It’s that I know you’d never retaliate the way I do… And no one should be able to talk shit about you without facing some goddamn consequences…’’

Without giving me the chance to reply, he left. 

And after that… I kind of just stumbled back to my room and passed out. All of this… all of this is just so much.

Dad knows.

Mondo knows. He even punched a guy over it.

I don’t know what strength is anymore. I don’t know what to think of myself anymore. I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad.

All I know is that, once again, I woke up at 3 AM, as I always seem to do when my day goes unexpectedly, and I found a box on my bed.

Mondo bought me the dress.

So for now, that’s all that really matters to me.

Good night for now, Alter Ego. I’ll talk to you when the world makes sense again.

Chihiro, logging off with hearts in her eyes.


	11. Day 48

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 48

Dear Alter Ego,

I finally went to class again today. The optimistic part of me wants to believe that this means I’m feeling better, but the pessimistic side wonders if the guilt of skipping class just got to me.

Truth is, I didn’t feel any sadness. I wasn’t locked away in my room because I wanted to hide any tears or because I was scared of anything. I just… wanted to belong to myself for a little bit.

I’m so happy that dad and Mondo know my secret now. But getting from a point of living in secrecy to coming out in the span of two days was too much for me. I just needed some time to feel safe in my own company before I went out to face the world again.

When I came out of my room wearing my new dress, I could tell Mondo was really happy (it’s true he’s been pretty worried about me these last few days), but he remained silent. I think he just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so as not to make me lose my nerve, which I appreciated. We just talked about our plans like we do on most mornings, and discussed what I had missed in the last few classes of homeroom. Thankfully, it isn’t much, and Mondo informed me that I could copy off his notes.

I know it may be something one could expect of their classmates, but I hope you understand how much it meant to me to hear that from Mondo.

I know how much he hates writing notes, and how much trouble he has paying attention in class, but when he showed me what he’d written down, I noticed that it was extensive and detailed.

He did all of that for me. My heart practically melted. It’s odd, really. I don’t know how to react to all of this. These last few days, Mondo has been a lifesaver. He’s supported me, brought me food, made sure I was ok. He’s been more than caring. 

I truly, truly don’t know how to react to it. I feel like if I let my lovesick imagination run off with these thoughts, I’ll be disrespecting his kindness by interpreting it as something that I don’t consider possible. But at the same time, Alter Ego, I’m unable to stop thinking about him. He punched a guy for me. He spent his hard-earned money on a dress I wanted just so he could cheer me up. 

I love him I love him I love him I love him. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know he couldn’t possibly love me back but I can’t stop being in love with Mondo Owada. I just can’t. I’m totally helpless in these feelings, they’ve settled in my heart and made their nest there. If I were stronger, do you think I’d even be able to fish them out? A part of me seems to think so.

Oh well.

Class went very well. I could tell Sayaka had been worried about me, because she snatched me away from Mondo and Leon the second I entered the classroom so I could sit with her and Makoto. Without ever asking the reason for my recent absences, she repeatedly made sure that I was doing ok, and I tried to reassure her as best I could. 

It’s hard to explain to someone that you’re feeling insanely happy, and that it scares you a little bit. Happiness shouldn’t feel scary, but sometimes it does. Everything feels different around me. I like it. But yes, it scares me. Terrifies me.

A lot of people ended up complimenting my dress, which I wasn’t sure how to react to. Mentioning that Mondo bought it for me might have brought up… suspicions, and I also didn’t want to explain the EXACT circumstances that lead to that act of kindness, but I also didn’t want Mondo to think I was ashamed of mentioning him.

I just said thanks and smiled.

Y’know, I DO feel happy. I feel… really happy.

Even if it IS scary, a part of me wishes I could feel this way all the time. I still feel weak, that’s true. But there’s this tiny voice I can feel growing in my head, that plants seedlings of doubts every time I hear myself thinking ‘’you’re not strong enough’’. I want to keep growing that voice until it becomes booming, until it because just as loud as Mondo was when he confronted my old classmate. 

After class was done, Sayaka stayed by my side and asked me if I wanted to spend lunchtime with her at the local park. As much as I also wanted to spend time with Leon, Hina and Sakura, who I haven’t talked to in a little bit, I could feel that this meant a lot to my popstar friend, so I cheerfully accepted, excited at the thought of eating out in the sunshine. 

Thankfully, the walk from the school to our destination was short, and it didn’t take long until Sayaka and I found a nice quiet spot at a picnic table, nestled in the shade of a tall tree. My classmate seemed a bit on edge during our walk right up until that point, and I wonder if she wasn’t worried about being stopped for autographs (there are a lot of people out and about at this hour). Then again, that’s not a world I’m very well-versed in, so it’s not up for me to make assumptions. 

In the beginning, we mostly made observations about the people we could see playing further in the park (all nice of course!), but from the beginning, it felt as if Sayaka had things weighing on her. Before I could even think of breaking the ice, however, she spoke up herself, having somehow read my mind:  
‘’ I guess I’m not that great at hiding it, am I?’’

I smiled and tried to reassure her, but I think she felt relieved that the walls of conversation were opened up. She quickly started explaining what she meant:  
‘’I’ve just been thinking about Leon and Makoto a lot, lately… I’ve had the time to think about it, but I still can’t come up with a solution.’’ 

Somehow, I knew that the best way I could help her was to be completely honest. I found a sliver of strength within me which allowed me to reply with:  
‘’It seems to me like you and Makoto have a really strong link though…’’

I felt as if I was betraying my friend, someone that I trust immensely, but the idea of pushing Sayaka towards a decision that might not be right for her felt even more wrong. She smiled to me before replying:  
‘’I think so to. But you know, Leon has something really special that Makoto doesn’t have too. Makoto has such a genuine affection for people and it’s contagious, but sometimes I wish he was a bit more headstrong, a bit more… naïve, actually. I like Leon’s drive, and his energy is contagious too. But what’s better between fun and security? That’s what I can’t put my finger on…’’

What she was saying made sense to me, and for a moment, I felt my usual embarrassment slip away, letting me be actually truthful:  
‘’That stage kind of feels nice, though, doesn’t it? Like, you don’t know the answers yet, and you know the outcome might not turn out the way you want it, but just being in love can be a really nice feeling. At least, that’s how I feel with…’’

Before I could finish my sentence, it seems that my self-control came back to me and choked the last word back into my heart. Sayaka understood though, which I could tell by the friendly smile she gave me.  
‘’You know, Chihiro, maybe you’re right… I’ve been so focused on decision-making that I’ve forgotten to just enjoy the fact that I’m feeling this way. Maybe I can just savour it for a little longer, and see if the answer arrives on its own. Love shouldn’t feel forced anyways. I still want to believe in a positive outcome though, and if you want my advice, then I think you should too!’’

She then winked and ended her answer with a:  
‘’I’m psychic, I just know these things’’

The rest of our discussion mostly centered on things related to class, but I feel like our very quick heart-to-heart cemented our mutual understanding.

Funny to think how easily I’m able to write these words when I’m talking about a friendship with a superstar. Best not to let it get to my head…

Before long, it was time to go to class, and my programming instructor made sure to catch me up on what I’d missed. I think he might have been a little disappointed in me, which, as you can probably guess, activated the anxious, self-loathing recesses of my mind. Nevertheless, by the time class ended, I had managed to catch up on most everything. Maybe I really AM becoming better at this… I certainly hope so, because I only have more work coming my way.

I returned to the dorm exhausted after my busy day, and found Mondo sitting on the couch, clearly exhausted by his. This took me by surprise, as it was then I realized how long it’s been since I’ve seen him go out on a bike ride. If there’s anything I could never expect out of him, it’s for him to stay indoors on a nice windy night like this, but there he was, calmly watching TV with some snacks. Like a regular high-schooler, really, but out here, that always comes as the exception. 

My tired legs winning over my shy nature, I collapsed next to him and decided that my work could wait until Mondo’s show was over. It was something related to gangsters, which I didn’t truly understand, but that didn’t really matter: as long as my brain got to feed itself on something simple for a moment in the day, I’d be good.

However, during a calmer scene, Mondo turned to me and asked me a question:  
‘’Hey, Chihiro… is it ok if I asked you some stuff about… the shit we talked about the other day? Only if you’re ok with that, of course.’’

Alter Ego, I don’t have to tell you that the thought scared me a bit, but if you’d seen the way he looked as he asked me, you’d known that there was no way I could even think of saying no, so I nodded with a shy smile.  
‘’So, I’ve been kinda looking up info about what you told me, just so I could, like, understand it and shit… I don’t wanna hurt you by saying the wrong thing… I think I’m understanding most of it, but… I was kinda wondering… What that means about… I dunno, about the kind of stuff it could mean about you… Sorry if I’m being really vague, I just fucking suck at asking this kind of question…’’

Still anxious, but also very curious, I enquired about what he meant, which seemed to make him a bit nervous (a rare sight, as you must know by now).  
‘’ Ok, so, like… I know it’s got nothing with the WAY you might be attracted to other people, that’s what the website said… but like, still, does this mean you’re into dudes, or like, were you into chicks before and now you’ve changed? Or does that just have nothing to do with it? 

In truth, I had to take a moment to think about it. I’ve only recently begun to consider myself that way, as, well, a transgender woman (even writing that makes me a bit antsy), and I’m far from an expert on the subject, except when it comes to my own experiences. I just tried to be as honest about what I DO know, so as not to lead him astray:  
‘’I don’t really know… I’ve never been in love with a girl so I don’t think anything changed… I was probably always, uh… attracted to guys…’’

(You know the drill by now, saying those words made me blush, as little as they might have meant)  
‘’ So I don’t think it’s related to that. It’s just how I feel about myself and how I like other people to see me, I guess. I just feel more comfortable being a girl and being considered like one by people around me, and I don’t feel right when people refer to me as a guy. It’s kind of hard to explain, especially since I always hate feeling weak, and a lot of people see me as being weaker for being a girl. But it just feels more… right’’

Mondo seemed to understand, at least from what I could gather from his facial expression, but it was clear that something else was on his mind.  
‘’That makes sense… And like, fuck, I can’t picture you as a guy. You’re Chihiro, you’re the programming chick to me, so even if it’s a bit confusing sometimes, I see you just like I do any other chick… I think… But like… Ok, so, if, for example, you started dating some dude, and that dude always went for chicks before, would that… mean anything about him? Like, would it mean he was gay or bi now? Cause like, you’re a chick and all, but… Fuck, I’m sorry, I can’t find the right words for it… I’m just trying to understand shit…’’

In truth, these were questions I had never really asked myself (when have I ever considered the possibility of someone liking me?), so I could understand why they might have come to him. Nevertheless, the answers came quickly to me:  
‘’Well… If it’s a guy and he’s interested in me… I’d want him… to be interested in me AS a girl, and not for… having been a guy before… or… I’d want him to just to be interested in me for me… So I don’t think it would change anything about him… And… I don’t think I would feel right if someone that I was with considered me a guy still, because I don’t consider myself that way… At least, that’s how I see it, but I don’t have much experience with guys being… interested in me or anything…’’

This conversation wasn’t going where I thought it would go, but I promptly shut off any part of my brain that wanted to get too hopeful. It was enough for me to just enjoy the kindness that Mondo was offering me by doing all he could to make me feel comfortable in our friendship. So for now, that’s how I’ll force myself to consider it. Mondo took some time to think before replying.  
‘’Yeah… Fuck, I guess that would be right… A guy that likes chicks… would still be a guy that likes chicks… or still be a guy that likes both… if he likes you… That makes sense… yeah… Sorry for the weird fuckin questions… That specific question’s just been on my mind lately…’’

I’m not letting myself the right to interpret that. Not yet. Still…

We ended up watching the rest of the show in peaceful silence, and, before long, I was heading off to work on my big project again (these last few days have really allowed me to advance a lot though!). Before I went into my room, however, Mondo turned to me and said something that exploded my heart:  
‘’Oh, by the way… that dress looks really good on you.’’

And now, i’ve been so busy rolling around my mattress with my cheeks firetruck-red to work on anything.

Good thing I did so much before, I guess…

I hope you have a good night, Alter Ego! I can’t wait to tell you more about what I’m cooking up.

Chihiro, logging off in her pretty dress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that a lot of guys who end up being attracted to trans girls often find themselves confused as to what that means in relation to their sexual orientation. I wanted to address that in a way that was understanding of it, because I think it's an important discussion to be had. Also, I didn't feel like Mondo would just arrive with a huge understanding of trans issues, so I deemed it important to show him learning some things. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! I have another story idea that I might be working on, but I promise I'll keep updating this one as often as I can! 
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	12. Day 56

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 56

Dear Alter Ego,

Today was a day to remember, and for once, I don’t mean it in a worrying sense! I just feel that this day is the kind that I started this little journal for, the kind that I wanna to make sure I don’t forget, so I can hold on to it when I need to be reminded of good times. 

I was woken up at about 6:30 in the morning to the sound of a door slamming shut. I’m generally not a very light sleeper, so I guess slamming isn’t strong enough of a word if it actually pulled me out of my dream. 

I was woken up by the sound of our door being practically pushed off its hinges.

Immediately, a bolt of panic ran through me: was Mondo coming home angry? It happens sometimes, and in those moments, I know he can get pretty impulsive. Remembering the time he punched a hole in the wall during our first homeroom exam, I ran out of my room, still in my pyjamas, to go see what was up.

To my surprise, the one I found wondering around the living room was… Leon, dressed in clothing that I’d never seen him wearing before. He WAS furious, however, and it was plain to see: I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had seen smoke coming out of his ears like in a cartoon! 

Before I could even have the time to ask him what he was doing in our dorm so early on a Saturday morning, another clacking sound reverberated through the room, as Mondo slammed his own door open. Leon was DEFINITELY in trouble by that point.

Standing there, in the doorframe of my bedroom, I suddenly felt incredibly tiny as these two forces of nature filled the dorm with a furious energy. I decided to remain silent, but to keep watching in case anyone tried to kill anyone. 

Mondo got closer to Leon and practically started screaming in his face:  
‘’Kuwata, do you know what fuckin time it is? I swear to Christ if you don’t have a good excuse for waking me up on a goddamn Saturday morning, I’m gonna rip your head off!’’ 

Leon, however, didn’t seem too phased and just replied:  
‘’I’m not going, man! I’m gonna stay here, and there’s no way they can get me out!’’

Though I was still a bit dazed from my brutal awakening, the pieces were already starting to come together in my mind. That uniform started looking a bit familiar by this point, and, I also know that only one thing gets Leon fuming to this level. I think Mondo was too furious to realize it yet, though, which I can’t honestly blame him too much for.  
‘’Not going? What the fuck are you talking about? Not going to what? If you don’t have an actual reason for being here, then get the fuck out!’’

I don’t think Leon listened to a single word he was saying, so I felt it was probably time to speak up and clear the air before Mondo actually went through with his threats (a sleepy Mondo is a grumpy Mondo).   
‘’Leon, you’re saying you’re trying to ditch your baseball game, right?’’

In truth, Leon never mentioned any game to us (I would have been sure to tell you about it!) but with his hatred for the sport, it didn’t seem too far-fetched to picture him hiding that fact from us. By the look on his face, I could tell I had gotten it right on the money. In a moment, his anger seemed to deflate into something like sadness, and, as if his bones has turned to jelly, he kind of let himself drop to the couch, after which he said:  
‘’I told coach I don’t wanna go and that’s final! There’s no way I’m wasting my damn weekend on baseball!’’

I think Mondo’s mood changed by that point too, as he seemed to swallow his anger.  
‘’Come on man, do you WANT to get kicked out of the program? You said that was the deal, right? You never go to practice, then, one day a month, you go kick some rival team’s ass and that’s it! It’s just one fucking day! Just fucking do it and forget it for another month!’’

Without any anger in his voice, Leon replied:  
‘’Listen, you don’t even know what it’s like. I hate it… I don’t care if they need me to win, just spending one day out there on the field is enough to drive me crazy, so I’m just gonna hide here…’’

It was my time to speak up again, as I was starting to get worried: Mondo was right, if Leon refused to do the one thing that was expected of him, the Academy might have had to take action against him, and that could have meant kicking him out of the musical future he was working so hard for.  
‘’Leon, you have to go! If you don’t you’ll get in real trouble! We’ll cheer you on if you want to!’’

Mondo jumped on my idea, which I had said out of instinct more than anything, almost immediately:  
‘’Yeah, Chihiro’s right! We’re there for you, bro, we can help you through this shit! You just have to get up and do it!’’

Sadly, none of that seemed to really work on Leon:  
‘’Hey, come on guys, you’re supposed to be on my side here! Just let me crash for a while and I’ll deal with the consequences later, ok? Stop trying to get me to the game…’’

I felt bad for it at this point, but I needed to be strong to help out my friend, and that meant bringing out the big guns. I asked him the question that I knew would make him reconsider:  
‘’ Well, what if I got Sayaka to come watch the game too?’’

Alter Ego, have you ever seen a cat’s pupils going wide when it sees something it wants to chase? Well it was like that. Immediately, his energy turned around.  
‘’You’d really do that?’’

And of course I would! Leon is my friend, and Sayaka was too. In her indecision, I knew this would be as fun for her to watch as it would be for Leon to have an opportunity to show off. Of course, I would never have used her as a bargaining chip if I had felt she wouldn’t have wanted it! 

Before long, I was standing before Sayaka’s dorm, dressed in a wrinkled dress I’d pulled out of my closet without looking and terrified that I wasn’t doing the right thing.

After all, it WAS 7 AM by the time I knocked, and on a Saturday morning to boot. At least the dorms are soundproofed, meaning that no one had been woken up by the cacophony that had come from our rooms. 

Before anyone could answer me, however, I was taken by surprise by a cough coming from behind me. Alter Ego, I swear I almost jumped out of my skin! I was ready for some sort of serial killer or horror movie monster to be standing behind me, but all I found was Celestia Ludenberg, still dressed in her usual fashion, even at this time of the day.   
‘’I suppose you must have business with Sayaka, n’est-ce pas?’’

She didn’t look angry or anything, but I could tell she was very curious. Her words made me worry that she felt I didn’t care about her at all, when in reality I’d love for the two of us to be able to get along, just as with all of my other classmates. I made sure to remain polite, but I did stutter a bit.  
‘’Yes, I wanted to see if she was awake to ask if she’d like to come to a game with Mondo and I today. I know it’s a bit of a last minute thing…’’

To my surprise, Celeste giggled and looked quite… glad.  
‘’A… baseball game, I suppose?’’

I nodded, which seemed to brighten her mood even further.  
‘’Inviting Sayaka to Leon’s baseball game, which you and Mondo will also be attending together... Ah, winning is such a wonderful feeling!’’

I honestly had no idea what she was talking about, and I suppose it could be read on my face (which was rude of me! I should keep those kinds of feelings from hurting others). Celeste didn’t seem too vexed, though.   
‘’Oh, please do not mind me! I was simply thinking about a bet I have made with Byakuya, relating to… some of our classmates and their dealings, and it seems all my predictions so far have been correct! Of course, until the game itself is over, I should not sit on my laurels and assume a total victory... If you want, I could ask Sayaka herself, to save you the trouble! It just so happens that she owes me a few favors! All I could ever ask in return is… for you to have a pleasant time with your brutish friend…’’

Something about the way she said it sounded a bit… insidious, but it would have been very unfriendly of me to doubt her good intentions, so I gladly accepted her offer and returned to the dorm, hopeful that everything was going to work out. I swear I heard her whispering something about Byakuya’s money, but she seemed happy, so there’s no need for me to bother myself too much with worry, right?

I guess there’s not much left for me to say about the time we spent in our dorm before the game. Mondo and I tried to calm Leon down, as he seemed stuck between feeling angry about the game and excited about the possibility that Sayaka would be there. In the end, Mondo ended up escorting him back to his coach while I waited outside for Sayaka, who showed up not too long after, at around 8:30 AM. I was a bit anxious that she would feel forced to come, which wasn’t my intention, but nothing in her behaviour seemed to indicate that she was unhappy, so I reassured myself a bit. She told me she had never seen a baseball game before and that she was looking for something to do anyways, so everything worked out well.

We headed off to the stadium together, and I felt thankful that today’s game was a local one, even if it meant that I wouldn’t get to drive there on Mondo’s bike, which would have been fun too… But this is the Academy for ultimates, so the sport stadium is a very versatile one, being able to accommodate a lot of different activities with only minor changes. How they do it, I’ll never know…

After Sayaka and I bought tickets, we found good seats not too far from the action. The stadium itself wasn’t too crowded, but we had also arrived a bit early, so I knew it would fill up soon enough. 

Just as I had predicted, by the time Mondo came to join us, some food and drinks in hand, there were people everywhere, cheering for the game to start. Luckily, we had managed to save Mondo a spot right in between the two of us, so after squeezing through rows filled with students from other schools, he was able to sit down. However, the small seats forced us to sit very closely, which didn’t help calm down my nerves…

He told us that Leon wasn’t panicking too much, but didn’t mention more about our friend’s morning breakdown, as it would probably have left an odd impression on Sayaka, who was the only real reason that he even showed up to the game. 

Before long, the athletes arrived on the field and the crowd went wild. I hadn’t realized how many fans Leon had, and I really hoped that hearing them cheer for his him would energize him! He wasn’t too hard to spot on the field, being the only player without a shaved head, so Mondo and I wasted no time cheering for him. I had never screamed in a public place before, and I was nervous about it, but, honestly, it was kind of exhilarating! Encouraging my friend made my heart bounce with joy, and made me remember that I had started this school year wondering if I would ever get to make even a single acquaintance.

Now, you know me, Alter Ego, I don’t know anything about sports, and baseball is no exception, but it was easy to see that Leon played amazingly well! I wonder if he’s always this good or if Sayaka’s presence motivated him to surpass himself even further…

To no one’s surprise, Leon’s team was already far ahead in the lead after the very first round, and when the other team switched into batting position, it was already clear that they wouldn’t be able to catch up without a miracle. 

I think it happened after their second strike.

I was sitting on the edge of my seat, anxiously waiting to see what the outcome of the match would be and rooting for Leon, when the rival batter struck the ball with impressive force. 

I barely had time to react. I could see the ball coming quickly towards our direction, and, before I could move out of the way, I felt someone grabbing me.

Mondo, trying to protect me from the ball, pulled me against him and shielded me with his arms. By the time my brain managed to process what was happened, I was completely engulfed by his form, and blushing hard enough to leave a burn mark against his shirt. Luckily, the ball ended up going slightly above us, hitting an empty chair and bouncing into the hands of one of my upperclassmen. Nagito Komaeda, I think.

Still holding my shoulders, Mondo made sure that I was ok, and I stuttered my way through a ‘’yes’’, which seemed to calm him down. 

The rest of the game went through without any problems, though my face remained red up until the end, and Leon’s team won by a landslide. In typical Leon fashion, he didn’t stay behind for applause and simply tossed his bat to the side, ready to get everything over with. I think he still made a good impression on Sayaka, who kept talking about his amazing plays after the game. 

And just like that, it was over, and Mondo left to celebrate with Leon and the rest of his team while Sayaka left to go write some songs in the school studio. Alone, I decided to go back to the dorm and work on some projects.

I simply sat on the couch and, well, did just that. I could have used the computer lab, but, by this point, I was being struck with random bouts of blushing every time I thought back to the game, so it was best for me to stay out of sight.

I stayed and worked for pretty much the rest of the day, stopping sometimes to play a few online games with Chiaki, but mostly keeping busy.

By the time Mondo came back, at around 8 PM, I was still at it. To my surprise, he actually joined me and asked what I was working on, which he had never done before (he always tells me he doesn’t know that much about computers). I tried to explain it to him as best I could, and I think he understood the gist of it, though I’m not entirely sure. 

Now, I know, I know, I’ve been telling everyone but you, but I promise that, the more I work on it, the closer I get to finally telling you all about it! 

Even after I got done explaining all I could, Mondo stayed and watched me work, which did make me nervous enough to make a few simple mistakes in my code. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice.

Actually… Alter Ego, do you know what he did?

He put his arm around my shoulder. Just like that. Without saying anything. He just… kind of… did it.

I remained as silent as he was, but, inside, my soul was screaming with a mix of fear, shyness and happiness. Alter Ego, how am I supposed to react? How am I supposed to see this?

You know, I’m not dumb. I know what this might mean. I can see everything just as much as you can. But I’m scared. What if I ended up being wrong? How could I ever make any such assumption when I can barely trust myself at all on these kinds of topics? I don’t KNOW love, so how could I ever know if someone feels that way about me?

And how could I ever entertain that notion about Mondo? How could someone like HIM be interested in someone like ME?

But… he put his arm around my shoulder. And he protected me. And he asked me what it would mean for a guy if he liked me. And he bought a dress for me. And he punched an old friend for me. And he went on a ride with me. And he told me that when I’m not there he misses me, and…

And I love him.

After about an hour of watching me code, he got up and said he was going to go for a ride. I smiled to him and told him to drive safely, I don’t know why. 

And now I’m writing this entry. Confused. Happy. In love… But mostly confused. 

Alter Ego, what if he likes me back?

Chihiro, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, yes, Celeste is most definitely betting on which of her classmates end up together. Seems like she found a way to enjoy romance-talk after all! Also, Leon still hasn't starting practicing the song for Sayaka. 
> 
> I'm not certain if I will continue this fic much after I get done with the main romance part, but I'm having a lot of fun with this story so I think I might either keep writing it afterwards OR make fics with the same format based on the other characters.
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	13. Day 65

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 65

Dear Alter Ego,

Even after all that anxious talk I unfurled upon you yesterday, it looks like my talent showcase wasn’t a total disaster after all! In a way, I’m lucky that my exhibit was scheduled early in the week: if I had dragged around this nervous ball in my stomach for even a single minute more, I think I might have exploded.

In truth, I’m still a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to showcase my work in progress, but my private instructor was right: explaining something this ambitious in its beta stage might have been a tall order, and the point here was to make people discover the world of programming, not scare them out of ever considering it! Still, I secretly hoped that, by the time Talent Week came, I’d have had the time to miraculously make enough advancements for him to change his mind. Oh well…

All in all, I’m glad that I got to be partnered with Chiaki, who was a huge help when it came to handling my stress! It’s hard to stay nervous when she’s just sleepily mashing away at a controller right next to you. Plus, since most people were interested in her aspect of the exhibit (who can resist an opportunity to play a game against the Ultimate Gamer?), I got to sit and watch for a lot of the afternoon. Seeing her rank up combo after combo against her helpless opponents was quite impressive, and that’s saying something, considering I programed those into the game myself! It’s really nothing ground-breaking in terms of gameplay, but I was still amazed to see how quickly she mastered all the different techniques I tried to implement in each fighter. 

A few people asked me how I made the game, and I tried to explain it as best I could without going into the nitty-gritty. I doubt that I managed to convince anyone to pick up programming, but hopefully, they’ll think of all the work involved in the creating of games the next time they play one. A small victory is still a victory, right? 

A few of my classmates came to visit our exhibit too!

I think the reason Celeste came was to test if her incredible luck (which she sees to hold above all else) could affect her chances of winning against Chiaki. I have to say, for someone who admits to playing very few video games outside of gambling programs, she put up quite a fight! I don’t think she was very happy to have lost, and she even asked me to program a copy of the game on her computer so she can practice and have a rematch! A victory for our exhibit for sure! Though Celeste seemed a bit angry when she left… 

Sayaka was very sweet to come by and ask me questions while others played the game with Chiaki, but I don’t think she understood much of what I was saying, so I ended up talking to her about the programming involved in musical software, and that seemed to really fascinate her! She said she’ll ask our teacher if we couldn’t possibly work together on a joint project, just as I did with Chiaki’s RPG earlier in the year. I’ll be so happy if that wish comes true! 

Of course, when I think of all the work I’m already putting into the Alter Ego project…

Best not to get overwhelmed for now, I guess. Not like I’ll get many opportunities for these kinds of amazing collaborations outside of Hope’s Peak! I’m already thinking of projects we could work on.

I tried to get Byakuya and Toko to join in, but neither of them seemed very interested. I really wish I could get to know them a bit more, though…

A few of Chiaki’s classmates came by too, at least! I even had to remind her that she couldn’t have more than three rematches against her friend Hajime while others were waiting (I really hope she isn’t angry at me for that! I just didn’t want people to get impatient.)

By then, I’ll admit I was getting just a bit worried. Leon and Mondo had promised me they’d come by, and, so far, I hadn’t even seen a single one of them from afar. I really didn’t want to pressure them too much into coming, but I was so excited to show them what I’d been working on.

Finally, at around… maybe 2:30 PM, I heard that unmistakable duo of deep laughs, and practically jumped out of my seat when I saw them coming by. Mondo quickly apologized for not being there earlier: from what he told me, the both of them had gone to Kazuichi’s exhibit and lost track of time as they tried out all of the different vehicles he had worked on. He said it with such passion in his voce that there was no way I could be angry at all. Anyways, he had made it in time after all, so all was still well!

Leon was the first to go up against Chiaki, and, as much as I like him and consider him my friend, I can’t pretend he was very good at it. In seconds, she had his character locked in a flurry of combos, and every defeat just prompted him to scream for a rematch. Luckily, no one was waiting in line at the time, so Chiaki let him try his luck as much as he wanted, amused at his excitement. 

As he did that, Mondo came up to me and asked me what I’d been working on, and I kind of lost my nerve. I doubted that he’d be very interested in the finer details of my code, but I didn’t want him to be underwhelmed by my passion either. A part of me really wanted to impress him somehow.

To my surprise, though, he actually started asking me more about my other project, and he’d actually remembered a good chunk of what I had explained to him the other day! This really encouraged me (perhaps a bit too much) and I started going into all my finer plans. I must have lost him very quickly, but I was just too excited at the thought of being able to talk to him about my passion. Eventually, I caught myself, and apologized for talking so much, but… he actually thanked me, saying that he thinks what I’m doing is fascinating (well, he said it was ‘’fucking awesome’’ but I think that’s what he meant). 

By the time Leon gave up on trying to win, I told Mondo that he could play if he wanted, and he agreed to try it… on the one condition that I would be his opponent:  
‘’I already know this chick can beat me, but I wanna see you try to win against me!’’

He said it with a wink so, when I regained my composure, I smiled back and told him that I’d win for sure.

Though I’ve never seen him playing games before, Mondo actually turned out to be really skilled! I wonder if his experience with real-life fights have given him a good insight on fighting games…

I still tried to put up quite a fight, without even using any secret techniques, as I figured that might have been unfair considering that I know exactly how they function. It was as if, for every punch he landed on me, I landed one in return, so the fight was on equal measures. As Leon cheered for Mondo, Chiaki cheered for me, and soon, I was smiling and laughing along with everyone, completely free of any of my worries if only for a moment. 

Right as I was about to land a final blow, however, I felt a tapping on my shoulder that jerked me back to reality.

It seems to be becoming a habit for the both of us.

When I turned around and saw dad, I dropped the controller and jumped up to hug him. He was the very last person I’d have expected to see, but I was too happy to be seeing him to ask myself any questions. For once, I wasn’t worried that anyone might see me and judge my enthusiasm: seeing dad trumps any self-consciousness, it becomes priority number one. 

He told me that he called the Academy to ask if parents were allowed to come by on Talent Week, and that as soon as they told him it was ok, he decided to show up. I had told him when my exhibit would be taking place, so he got out of work early to come by and encourage me. 

I think that seeing my dad showing up made the others feel a bit uncomfortable, to be honest, which I can understand. To ease the tension, I decided to show dad what I had worked on as Chiaki, who had to get ready for her final class of the day at this point, packed up some of her things and gave me a hug goodbye.

It was so much fun explain the finer details to dad, as he understood all of him and was really impressed with my project, especially knowing how quickly I’d made it. As he said that, I started feeling proud of myself in a way only he can get me to do.

It didn’t last too long, as he eventually turned around to face Mondo, who was about to leave, and asked him a question:  
‘’You’re Mondo, right? Chihiro’s roommate?’’

I froze up on the spot, and I think Mondo did too, for a split second. I think he may have been nervous that he was in some kind of trouble with dad for picking me up on his bike, but he answered truthfully, with a forced smile. Luckily, my dad just seemed happy and said something that got me red up to my ears:  
‘’I’m glad to meet you, then! My little girl’s told me a lot about you!’’

I wanted to bury myself in a hole. Why do dads always have to embarrass their children this way? Do they not UNDERSTAND? 

In a very rare instance, Mondo seemed to kind of lose his cool and stuttered through his response, which really surprised me:  
‘’Yeah, me too!... I mean… Chihiro told me a lot about you too! Not that I’m calling her my girl, I just mean that, like you said she told you a lot about me, she told me a lot about me… Fuck, I mean about you!... Oh, sorry for swearing, I just… haha!’’

In that moment, I stopped being the Ultimate Programmer and became the Ultimate Clairvoyant, just like Hiro: I could see my own demise happening in my near future. Dad didn’t seem too flustered or anything, and it didn’t take long for Mondo to excuse himself, saying he had something to do. 

As all the other exhibits started packing up, I stayed a bit and talked with dad, who helped me back up my own things. I tried to reassure dad that Mondo is generally more approachable than this, but something seemed to be lingering in his mind, like he was nervous about something. That didn’t do much to reassure me, so I dropped the subject and just asked about his work.

It didn’t take long for his worries to come back though, and he finally opened up:  
‘’This Mondo guy, is he… I mean, I know he’s your friend, but, you and him… are you…?’’

I understood exactly what his question was and, in a panic, I rushed to answer:  
‘’No, no, we’re friends, we’re not… I mean, we’re not together or anything, we just hang out a lot and were good friends and all but…’’

I don’t know if dad was relieved or simply nodding in understanding, but he continued nonetheless:  
‘’Ok, but… are you… interested? I mean, if he asked you, do you… think you’d go for him?’’

I answered with the first thing that came to mind:  
‘’Oh, I don’t think he would ask me something like that!’’

As I said that, dad laughed, then ruffled my hair:  
‘’You really think so, huh?... I’m not so sure about that… Listen, I trust you, and I know you can tell the difference between right and wrong, but just make sure that any decision you make is one that you’re comfortable with. I’ll stop your old man from worrying about you so much!’’ 

I smiled to dad, happy to have his trust, but, before I could promise anything, he added one last question:  
‘’He doesn’t sell drugs, does he?’’ 

I love my dad. 

Not much else interesting happened today so I guess I can end this entry here.

I feel happy.

Good night, Alter Ego!

Chihiro, the next EVO champ, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took inspiration for the concept of Talent Week from the Ultimate Talent Development Plan from Danganronpa V3's bonus modes, which is already a big inspiration for a lot of this fic. I'm not adding any V3 characters, though, as I consider them to next class after Chihiro's, and since she's in her first year, they'd only be around on the second.
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	14. Day 67

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 67

Dear Alter Ego,

At this point, I suppose you know how this works. I’ll tell this entire story from beginning to end, putting the events that I, honestly, could talk to you about for pages upon pages in their rightful place in the story.

If future me IS reading this, then she already knows what happened today, so, if the point of this project truly is meant to be a collection of my fondest and most embarrassing memories, then I suppose this is the only way I’ll be able to do it. Just… bear with me, as I’m having trouble thinking back to everything already.

Ok, so…

The day started out pretty nicely: with Talent Week still in full swing, I had the entire afternoon off to go exploring the different booths, without even having to worry about my own, since I’ve already gotten my grade back (no need to tell you, I already spent yesterday’s entry talking about how happy I felt). However, unlike yesterday, I had a very specific plan for today’s activities: Mondo’s exhibit was held this very afternoon, and I had promised him to come visit it. Since we’re not allowed to talk about the content of our exhibits before the day of their inauguration (I think it’s a measure to prevent students from collaborating unless they’re assigned to do so), Mondo kept every detail a secret from me. Still, I knew I’d have fun, if only because I’d get to spend time with him!

During homeroom, this morning, I could tell he was a bit nervous. Though I can always relate, I was a bit surprised about this: he’s used to talking to people, and I doubt there’s much he could be afraid of. Asking questions would probably have just made it worse, however, so I just played my role as his friend and tried to make him laugh as much as I could to ease his worries. I’m not… exactly a stand-up comic, but it seemed to do the trick, and by the time class ended, I could feel that he was a bit more energized. I did get called out by the teacher for talking during class though… Brrr, just remembering it is mortifying! I really hope she isn’t mad at me.  
Either way, once class was over, I joined up with Sakura and Hina, with whom I’d promised to go visit some booths, and, after a nice lunch, we headed off to scour the halls in search of our classmates. Per our agreement, we’d end with Mondo’s booth, so that I could spend as much time there without stopping my friends from seeing everything.

The first booth we encountered was Hifumi’s, where he was selling his different manga and fanfics. I bought one of them out of friendship, but, if I’m being honest, the first lines are making me worry that it’s… maybe… explicit in nature. I’m not judging him, it’s just that I might wait a bit before giving it a read…

Eventually, Sakura was able to convince him to draw a picture of the three of us, through a mix of polite asking and scolding whenever his comments grew over the line. In the end, the drawing came out great, and we let Hina hold on to it, but agreed that it was something we’d all treasure. He may be quite… eccentric, but once you get him into a creative mood, Hifumi really isn’t such a bad guy! I don’t think Sakura would agree with me, however.

I still admire her so much… I wonder how she would react to the things that make me worry, if she would have the strength to admit her feelings for someone easier than me. I still don’t know how she lives through the comments people make about her gender. If I was her, I’d have broken down by now, but I suppose I still have a lot to learn before I can finally consider myself strong… 

Right next to Hifumi’s booth, we found Toko’s, and I managed to convince Hina to at least say hi.

Sadly, Toko herself didn’t seem too happy to see us, and was mostly just moping behind a pile of books, which I assume were hers. With the last bits of the allowance dad sent to me last weekend, I decided to buy a copy, knowing that, as antisocial as my classmate may be, she’s an amazing novelist. Plus, I’ll admit that I’m a bit curious about romance novels, now that… I know a bit more about the subject… or… well… anyways…

Apparently, from what I can gather by reading the back cover, it’s the story of a handsome man, heir to a massive fortune, who falls in love with an aspiring author and takes her around the world after she tells him that she can’t find inspiration for her next story. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it! 

I felt too shy to try to get Toko out of her foul mood, so we finally left without having had much conversation, sadly. After walking for a bit, we found Nekomaru’s booth, which Sakura and Hina were both very interested in seeing.

As you can probably assume, I was… a bit lost. Seeing my friends rejoicing and talking about training made me happy, but I can’t pretend I understood much of their conversations with our upperclassman. Luckily for me, as they were deep in discussion, I heard a familiar voice calling out to me, and saw Chiaki coming over to see me, two of her friends in tow.

I turned to see if Hina and Sakura might be offended by my lack of attention, but I don’t think they had noticed, so I joined up with her. She seemed really happy to see me and we shared a hug. I don’t really know Hajime or Nagito all that well, so I didn’t really know what to talk about with them, but it didn’t take long for Chiaki to start talking to me about the games she had just been given by her private instructor. Since a lot of them are online games, I promised to her that I would join the team she’d already formed with Hajime… when I have the time between coding sessions. It feels really special to me that she would ask such a favor, and I value our friendship immensely.

You know, it almost feels… wrong sometimes. To be making friends this way, to be complimented on things. I don’t wanna be ungrateful or too self-depreciating, but none of this goes with what I’d imagined my experience would be. I know I can’t stop saying it, but… it’s still something I have to get used to. I have to try and teach my brain to stop assuming that good things have to be followed by tragedy. If that was true, then I wonder what might happen to me when I wake up tomorrow…

Eventually, Hina and Sakura asked me if it was ok for them to take part of Akane’s booth instead of going to see Mondo, and I reassured them that I understood. I doubt they would have enjoyed bike-talk as much as they probably enjoyed Akane’s impressive gymnastic displays. I’m just happy that these two can consider me as a friend.

Chiaki and her friends also had to leave, so I walked over to go see Mondo on my own. There’s a really special energy to Talent Week, and I caught myself already being excited for next year’s events, when this week itself isn’t even over yet! I hope I’ll be advanced enough in my work to have my own solo exhibit next time!

I wasn’t sure what Mondo’s booth would look like, but, just like last time, I ended up locating him by recognizing his voice. This time, however, he wasn’t laughing:  
‘’Hey, come on, none of your fucks interested in my hog? Well to hell with ya!’’

Growing red, I ran over towards him and found him talking to a bunch of other students, who seemed mortified by his swearing and loud voice. It didn’t take long for them to leave and, when I got to him, I was the only one at his booth. His mood did seem to brighten up a bit when he saw me.  
‘’Oh, hey Chihiro! I was wonderin’ when you’d show up! I was just, uh… trying to get people to come to my booth, but so far, I’ve barely had a single fucking person…’’

I smiled to him and suggested, as politely as I could, that they might have been a bit scared of him. This seemed to embarrass him a bit, so, terrified by the idea myself, I decided to ask him about his exhibit, which got him fired up again:  
‘’Hey, now that’s the spirit! Don’t think there’s much I can teach ya, though, since you already got the VIP Crazy Diamond experience last time!’’

As he said that, he pointed to his motorcycle, which was being displayed behind him. I wondered how they even managed to get it through the halls, but decided not to bother him with silly questions. 

With passion, Mondo started talking to me about The Crazy Diamonds, and I could tell he was really happy. He knows everyone’s name, and started talking to me about some of the crazier stunts they’ve pulled. Had this been my first time meeting him, I might have been intimidated by the unorthodox subject matter, but, in that moment, listening to him talking about what motivates him just made my heart beat faster. I know that he’s the leader of a biker gang, and that he’s done quite a few things that, well, dad probably wouldn’t approve of…

But I know him. I know who he is, and I know the infinite good in him. He accepted me without problem, the way I wish it could always be. He makes me feel safe, and I know that, in his heart, he just wants to do good in his own way. 

I probably shouldn’t get too carried away…

Even after I’d heard everything he had to say, I offered to stay with him and keep him company while he waited for other students to come by. Sadly, I think word had gotten around, and only a few showed up, mostly to comment on his bike, which I think Mondo still appreciated. No one ever took the time to listen to what he had to say…

I did my best to cheer him up and make sure he wasn’t too discouraged by the whole thing, but you know Mondo by now, he’s not one to let himself stay defeated. Which is why, by the time some of the other booths were packing up, he said this:  
‘’Man, fuck today, honestly… I need to go on a fucking ride and forget all about it… You wanna come?’’

Of course, this immediately brought up visions of the last time we went for a ride together, but… I still wanted to go. I wanted to spend more time with Mondo, just the two of us. That idea alone kind of… made me feel stronger. It’s so hard to remain fearful or anxious when I’m around him, like his charismatic aura is pushing me to grow just a twinge of self-confidence. 

With a smile (and a slight trembling in my hands), I told him I’d love to go. While I went back to the dorm to get my clunky bicycle helmet, Mondo asked Kazuichi to help push his motorcycle outside. They must have gotten quite a few looks in the halls, although, now that I think about it, it’s not as if weird stuff is that uncommon in the Academy…

By the time I was ready to go, Mondo was waiting for me in the parking lot. Hopping on behind him, I felt a bit nervous: last time I’d done this, I was away from prying eyes, but, now, others could see me wrapping my arms around my classmate, and I can’t pretend I wasn’t feeling a bit self-conscious.

Thankfully, Mondo wasted little time standing still as we blasted off towards the road. It was a little crazy, really. I mean, I didn’t even know where we were going, or if we were even going anywhere in particular. I had just accepted it on the fly, just because it meant spending time with him. Anyways, with the wind blaring against my ears and the sound of car horns resonating as we entered the city, it’s not as if I could just ask him.

I decided to place my trust in him and just… enjoyed it as best I could. I wasn’t worried about fights or anyone he could encounter on the way. I needed to stay strong and to believe in myself. Besides, I knew that, no matter what, he could protect me. I want to learn to protect myself on my own, but… with him, I don’t know, things are just… different.

I don’t know how long we spent on the road, really. It seemed as if Mondo just wanted to drive for the sake of driving, and, the more roads we took on, the more I understood what he meant. I saw so many parts of the city that I’d never paid attention to before, some that I didn’t even know existed! It was really hard to stay fixated on worrisome thoughts with the wind whipping against me so nicely. Going at this speed felt almost dangerous (in hindsight, I guess it was), but that just added to the experience. This is something I never imagined I would ever even consider. I hate danger, I hate feeling unsafe, I hate breaking the rules… but, with Mondo, all these things become… fun.

That’s what I was thinking about when the rain started to pour down on the highway. It all came suddenly, taking the both of us completely by surprise. I’d like to think that Mondo was looking to provide shelter for the both of us when he turned into a rest area at the side of the highway, but it’s also possible that he wanted to avoid it messing up his hair. Whatever the reason, Mondo stopped his bike and we both ran to hide underneath an umbrella installed on a picnic table. Sadly, this rest area wasn’t big enough to warrant any businesses or even an information booth, so this was all that was available to us for shelter.

Both sitting on the same side of the table, already shivering from the freezing rain that our clothes were soaked in, we certainly looked a little less threatening than we did before (I guess I didn’t really look very threatening either way, so this mostly applied to Mondo). Nevertheless, he still turned to me with a smile and said:  
‘’This is why you always check the weather before going on a ride! It’s always when you get careless that the weather comes to bite you in the ass!’’

He laughed and place his hand against my shoulder, but quickly turned his expression from happiness to worry, and said:  
‘’Woah, you’re really trembling, kid! Here, get closer to me so you can warm up a bit’’

In truth, I didn’t really have the time to do as he said before he pulled me against him and started rubbing my arms, probably trying to warm them up. Alter Ego, I can promise you that by this point, my cheeks were already burning hot… All of this, from the invitation, to the actual ride and, now, to this moment, had happened so quickly that I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

I tried to think up of something to say, but really couldn’t. Luckily, Mondo did it for me:  
‘’Fuck… I’m really sorry for bringing you out in a shithole like this, I really didn’t think this would happen… I promise my bike rides don’t always end in shitty situations, it’s just… bad luck I guess!’’

He let out a forced laugh, still trying to keep me warm. That’s when I realized that, well, I didn’t FEEL like I was in a bad situation. True, my clothes were drenched and I was stuck on the side of a highway I’d never travelled before, but… I was with him. This was a memory that belonged to the both of us. That single thought gave me the confidence to reply with:  
‘’Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be hanging out with you, so… the rain doesn’t matter… and stuff…I’m… having a good time’’

I said it because I wanted to reassure him, but suddenly, he grew quiet, and I immediately assumed that I’d said something wrong, or even hurtful. Fearful of this, I remained quiet and didn’t look his way… until he spoke up again:  
‘’Yeah… I’m having a good time too… I… It’s rare that I can have fun just sittin’ around, but, uh… with you, I feel like I can have fun anywhere… or some shit like that… I mean, not shit, but… you know what I mean… You’re… really fun…’’

This time, I didn’t answer out of fear, but simply because I felt unable to. The air had been sucked out of me and all I could do was smile sheepishly and blush, even though I thought I couldn’t possible blush harder than I already was. I WANTED to speak, but no sound was coming out. So Mondo continued:  
‘’Hey, Chihiro… Can I… Ask you a question?... What… What do you think of me? Like… About… who I am as a person?’’

For some reason, this specific moment made me think back to the night I found him crying in the living room. I think it was the sad look in his eyes. Seeing him in pain was in and of itself too painful an experience for me to let it linger, and I felt the air rushing back to my lungs in time for me to answer.  
‘’I think… That you’re the strongest person I know! And… I think… That you’re a really really good person… and… that you’re my… best friend…’’

I was too nervous to look in his direction, so I couldn’t tell how he was reacting, but I did hear a slight chuckle out of him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.  
‘’I don’t know, kid… I’m not even sure I’d have the strength to do what you’re doing with your whole… gender stuff. You know, I had trouble understanding it, and… what it might mean, and I wasn’t even the person doing it… At first, I just felt fucking confused, I didn’t know what it meant… about me, and I thought I’d chicken out of my feelings and just move along, but, when I was trying to push it aside, it felt… weak of me. What kinda guy tries to reject his own feelings out of fear? What kinda guy changes his mind over something based on what he doesn’t know yet? You were so fucking strong to even talk to me about it after that whole bullshit, and there I was, trying to forget about you just cause I was… fucking scared. But I couldn’t forget about you… Fuck, I had Leon and Sayaka and even that fucking gamer chick you hang out with on my back for not saying anything to you. I just tried to tell myself that they didn’t understand all the circumstances, but… I realized I didn’t understand shit myself… Listen, I know I’m fucking rambling, but what I’m trying to say is…’’

And then he stopped, and just turned me around to face him, but no sound was coming out of his mouth. I realized that his face was just as red as mine. I wanted him to say it. I needed him to say it. I didn’t have the strength to do so myself, but I wanted the final acknowledgment to be made so I could feel free of the paranoid thoughts that tried to convince me I was imagining it. I didn’t want to be imagining it. For once, all my nervousness couldn’t stop me from locking my eyes with his. I needed this to be real.

‘’Chihiro… what I’m trying to say is just, that I…’’

And, again, his throat locked up, and a look of panic ran across his face. However, it soon became replaced by another expression, one that I couldn’t place, but, before I could even analyze it…

He kissed me.

Alter Ego, he kissed me.

He just… pulled me against him and placed his lips against mine. I could feel his burning hot cheeks, the droplets of rain still on his face. I could… feel his lips. I was kissing him.

Alter Ego… we… kissed… like a proper kiss. Lip to lip. Eyes closed. Not a peck. My very first kiss. With Mondo Owada. 

I could feel my heart about to beat itself out of my chest. My mind felt blank. I couldn’t believe it. When he pulled away from me the first time, I instinctively kissed him again, because I didn’t want this moment to end. 

Eventually, we both pulled away and kind of… just sat there, looking at each other. I didn’t know what to do, so I just… hugged him, buried my face against him and wrapped my arms as tightly as I could around him, as if I was scared that something would come to take Mondo away from me.

With my head pressed against his chest, I could hear the sound of his heart beating, and the thought that, just for this moment, this heart might have been beating faster because of me was the only thing I needed to know to be happy.

I don’t know how long we both stood there, holding each other. All I know is that I only let go of him once I heard the rain slowly fading away. Slowly, we let go, and I asked the only thing I could think to say:  
‘’So… where does this put me in the Crazy Diamond hierarchy?’’

Mondo let out a hearty laugh and kissed my forehead.  
‘’It means that I’d do anything for you to be my girl, Chihiro. And there’s not a single one of my bros, or even my hog, that could come before you…’’

Smiling, happy, radiating, I answered with:  
‘’That would make me really happy… to be your… your girl… And… There’s not a single one of my projects that could come before you either!’’

Laughing again, he held me against him even tighter than before.  
‘’I’m sticking by you, kid… I’m making you a promise as a man, right here, right now…’’

I know it’s cliché. I know it’s the most common way to explain it. But it’s true: I didn’t want this moment to end. I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to lock that feeling in my heart and live life with this pure… bliss. In that moment, I felt as if all of Mondo’s strength was available to me, as if there wasn’t a single task or challenge I couldn’t accomplish. 

It’s hard for me to piece everything together still.

I’m Mondo Owada’s… girl. I kissed him. All of this… really happened. 

If good fortune really has to be followed by bad fortune, then that probably means I’ll die tomorrow, because no fortune could ever feel as satisfying as this. I know I’m lovestruck and still confused by all of it, but I can’t help but think that, as long as it happened with Mondo by my side, then I would have nothing to fear.

Eventually, we returned to the dorm. I already felt a bit overwhelmed when we got in: what was I supposed to do now that we’re together? How is a girlfriend even supposed to act, what is she supposed to do or say? 

As if to answer my questions, before I could even really think of asking such a thing, Leon texted Mondo, asking if he could come over to his dorm. I told Mondo that he should go, if Leon really needed him and, after giving me yet another kiss, he told me he’d be back really soon.

And here I am now.

Is it weird that I’m crying? I don’t feel sad at all. But the second Mondo closed the door behind him, the tears just started pouring out.

None of this even feels… possible. But it is, I know that. It’s not just possible, it’s happened. He knows about who I am, and… he knows the thing I’m most ashamed of.

He still kissed me.

For now, I’m just going to cry, just because I need to, not because I’m unhappy. And when Mondo comes back, I want to kiss him again.

I love you, Alter Ego. I can’t wait to really talk to you about this. Face to face. 

Chihiro, Mondo’s girl, logging off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first I've ever written, well, a romance scene, and, with this being my first fic as well, I'm very open to criticisms and advice on how to improve. Still, I'm happy with how this chapter turned out. This does mean, however, that I won't add a ton of other chapters to the story, but I promise I'll try to give it a satisfying ending! 
> 
> Also, if you've read the fic all the way up to this point, I really want to say thank you. Whether you've enjoyed it so far or not, it means a lot to me that you've actually given it the time of day. 
> 
> -With love, ParasiteForRabbits


	15. Day 74

The Journals Of Chihiro Fujisaki  
Day 74

Dear Alter Ego,

It’s been a whole week now. A week since I became Mondo Owada’s girlfriend. Seems crazy, honestly, as if I lost a bit of my sense of time when he first kissed me. Even after a week, it barely feels… real!

Every time we kiss, I start asking myself whether or not Mondo will still be there in front of me when I pull back, and I’ll find out I was dreaming this whole time. But it never happens. He’s always still there, smiling at me.

Even though we’ve decided to keep it to ourselves for now, just so we both get the time to… get used to it, I guess, this morning, Mondo asked me if it was ok for him to talk about it to Leon. I told him it was fine by me, seeing as I know Mondo HATES hiding anything from his ‘’bros’’ and that, well, Leon is our closest mutual friend. Besides, sneaking around to conceal it from him has felt wrong these past few days.

I feel terrible for saying this, but I did get a bit worried, because I know Leon tends to speak his mind a lot. I kind of wondered if he would tell anyone else about it, but so far, no one’s said a word, so I feel guilty that I didn’t trust my friend more. 

I just don’t know where my brain’s been today, and I don’t mean that in a negative sense. I’ve just… never gotten this amount of validation before, at least in regards to my emotions. I feel like I have to get used to the concept as a whole: that I love him AND that he loves me back. That when I muster up the courage to ask if I can just spend some time in his arms, it makes him as happy as it makes me. Because there’s a voice that always tries to put doubts in my mind, because… it’s me. I have trouble seeing what Mondo might see in the girl he’s holding.

It’s not like I have the looks of the other girls in our class. Hell, it’s not like I was even born one… Even in personality, he and I are almost nothing alike. I can’t change a tire, I can’t help him with the Crazy Diamonds and I don’t even know HOW to be a good girlfriend, so… I just wonder what he’s getting out of all of this. 

But still, as often as I tell myself that he could do better than me, I don’t WANT him to. I want him to stay in my arms, and I want him to love me too. I want to keep feeling the way I’m feeling right now, or when I wake up to find out we both fell asleep on the couch, and that I can still feel his strong arms around me (it’s already happened twice. This is what exam season does to Hope’s Peak students).

And I believe him when he tells me sweet compliments and when he says I worry too much, so I guess… it’s no use overthinking. 

I mean, I’ll still do it, but at least I know it’s irrational.

Mondo said his talk went well, and that Leon got super excited when he told him. I honestly kind of wish he was here so I could talk to him about it, but, you see, as much as I’ve been spending all of my time snuggling on the couch with my boyfriend (still feels weird writing that), I’m still busier than ever, and that’s something a relationship can’t really help me with. I wish I could say that all of this hard work and days spent locked in my dorm have been dedicated to my main project, but, sadly, I’ve mostly been studying for my upcoming programming exams. My tutor’s been trying his hardest to help me get prepared, but, if I’m being honest, I often feel like he’s overestimating me. I’m not an ultimate yet, I still have so much to learn about programming, so the last thing I’d want to do would be to take anything for granted. I want to do good in these exams. That’s the only way I’ll truly feel like an ultimate.

I’d ask some friends to help out, but they’re all much too busy with their own exams: poor Sayaka has been locked up in her room all week to study, just as a lot of us have. Well, of course, Leon has never been one to practice, so I’m pretty sure he’s been a bit bored waiting for all of his friends to finally come out of their dorms. Good thing is: I know a lot of our classmates are planning parties and get-togethers for the end of the week, so we’ll have chances to let our brains rest after this week of cramming and mind-frying (but it won’t be long till we have more projects to work on). 

Of course, as you might know by now, Alter Ego, I’m also the kind of person who enjoys studying for the shelter it provides: no time to think about difficult things when I’ve got sheets full of notes to look over, right? 

You see, the thing is… this morning, I called dad. I just wanted to check up on him and, well, have our usual talk… but… a part of me also wanted to tell him. I mean, he’s my dad, he’s the one I tell everything to, and the first person I call when something good happens to me. This feels like, well, the BEST thing that’s happened to me, so… I really really want to tell him.

But also, he’s my dad. The second he learns about it, it’ll make him worry. I’m already giving him time to get used to the revelations I made about my gender identity, how could I ever expect him to just be ok with me already dating a boy? And not just any boy: Mondo. I’m so worried that I’ll drive him to unhappiness with all the things I’m throwing at him, and with all the stress I’m causing him. I went to Hope’s Peak hoping to make him proud of me, to show him that I could build a bright, safe future for myself. So far, I’ve mostly managed to give him new reasons to picture me in unsafe situations. 

In the end, I didn’t have the strength to tell him.

We talked for a long time too, and he even asked questions about how Mondo and I were doing, so I had PLENTY of opportunities to say something, but I took none of them. I just reassured him, told him I was feeling happy, but never once mentioned WHY I feel this way. 

He’s been doing well at work, and had me promise to call him if ever I need help studying, since he hasn’t had much to do at the office this week. 

The second the call ended, I started feeling a terrible pressure inside of me: lying to my dad is wrong, and this felt like lying. But I’m just not ready to tell him yet.

It didn’t take long for Mondo to notice that I was feeling down, so he joined me on the couch and asked me what was wrong. Now that he’s my boyfriend, it’s not as easy for me to brush things aside, so I told him about the call. 

He responded with a big hug, which seemed to, I don’t know, squeeze the tears out of me, and the fact that I was crying just made me sadder, because it made me feel weak. 

Through my sobs, I told him the one thing that was weighing on me the most:  
‘’I don’t understand why I can’t be stronger, Mondo. I mean, I’ve done some of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in these past few weeks, and I managed to tell you and dad about my secret, and… I still feel just as weak as before.’’

As I said that, Mondo pulled away from me and gently lifted my chin so I would look into his eyes. There was something incredibly reassuring, yet still as passionate as always, in his gaze.  
‘’Babe, you have to stop telling yourself this shit. So what if you don’t feel any stronger than before? That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you were already fucking strong, Chihiro. Stronger than I’ve ever been, that’s for sure.’’

Of course, the first thing I said was that he IS strong, but he cut me off before I could speak any further:  
‘’Don’t you think I get worried about this stuff too? Hell, I don’t want your dad to think I’m gonna endanger his little girl or something, and my mom raised me not to overlook how a parent might feel about this kind of shit. I don’t wanna lose you, Chihiro, so yeah, I get worried about it too. And I keep getting worried that someone might give you shit when I’m not around to defend you. But that’s not cause you’re weak, babe. You have to believe people when they tell you that, cause I don’t think you understand how fucking impressive it is to see you go…’’

It was my turn to cut him off this time, as I pressed my lips to his, my eyes still wet with tears. Every word he was saying was healing my heart, but for now, I just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to feel his kiss again, and nothing else. 

For a while, I just stayed there with him, burying my head against his shoulder, sometimes kissing him, but mostly… feeling at home.

Yeah, that’s how this feels. Like home. Being in Mondo’s arms is like crashing back to my old bed and being able to look at the stars outside, the ones I can’t see from here. It’s the same kind of feeling, a mix of security and wonderment. 

It’s only been a week and already I get scared that one day I might not be able to hold him like this. So I hold him as tight as I can. 

I was the one to break the silence, when a question that hadn’t crossed my mind before came to me:  
‘’Mondo… what do you think your mom will say about us being together?’’

Mondo ran his fingers through my hair and chuckled:  
‘’Hey, now that’s something you don’t need to worry about for sure! She’s been harping on me to find a nice girl for a while, she’ll be happy, trust me. And she’s never been hard on any of my older girlfriends too, she always just gets angry at me whenever she feels I’m not being enough of a gentleman, meaning she’ll always side with you if ever I start acting like an dumbass.’’ 

Of course, this answer only brought more questions my way, which I was too curious about to let go:  
‘’So… how many other girlfriends have you had?’’ 

Mondo’s smile turned into embarrassment, and I regretted asking the question: it wasn’t the right time! Nevertheless, he answered before I could take my question back:  
‘’Uh, well… I don’t know, a few, but like… only two serious ones… Mostly chicks I met with the Crazy Diamonds… But, uh… I’ve never really… Felt like I feel about you… when I was with them… so I don’t know if they count or not…’’

The way he feels about me… My brain wants me to think it isn’t true. But he says so himself. Mondo loves me. I have to stop doubting that. It’s just… there’s that one thing that always makes me assume he couldn’t love me.  
‘’But Mondo… Are you sure you’re ok with me being… who I am? Are you sure that doesn’t bother you too much?’’

Mondo looked saddened by my response, and I couldn’t pinpoint why, but his answer made things a bit clearer:  
‘’Chihiro… Listen… I’m a fucking loudmouth, and I swear like a sailor and, hell, I’m always off getting into trouble… But you’ve never given me any shit for it. Of course a part of it is still kinda confusing for me, like… what it’ll mean later on and how other people might react if they find out, but… If you’re gonna be strong for me and accept the things you don’t understand about me, then it’s my job as your guy to do the same for you. All I know is that you’re my girl and I want things to stay that way, that’s all.’’

As a few tears ran down my face, I still smiled, which seemed to reassure him.  
‘’I made you a promise as a man, Chihiro. I intend to keep it no matter what.’’

And I believe him.

I still don’t feel strong, or even like half the person Mondo and dad tell me I am. But for now it doesn’t matter.

We spent a lot of the evening together, watching some TV, but we eventually both had to return to our studies. 

Fingers crossed, then, right? That everything works out fine. That my exams go well, and that the bad luck I’ve been expecting to hit me never comes knocking on my bedroom door. 

Feeling this amount of happiness is new to me, but I want to tame this feeling until it becomes my new normal. Maybe that’s what strength is, don’t you think?

Chihiro, logging off.


End file.
